My Name is Matthew, and I am a soldier. I have an interesting view that I share from time to time with the folks I encounter as I walk the road. Some of those people have encouraged me to seek out ways to help others or simply share my views or ideas with more people. I will blog on many subjects, from things that piss me off on a daily basis to more important issues such as dealing with chronic depression and the struggles that ensue as a result. I will be taking bits and pieces from emails and rants that I have verbalized as well, so if you see something we have talked about please, smile and nod...Thanks for reading.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Sunday Morning

I set out today as I did yesterday, I woke up and took my time getting ready to move and do things. I didn't have any sort of plan yesterday things just fell into place and MAN did they ever fall into place. I had an amazing day with the people I love and I played, laughed, and I learned. I even went out on a date last night with a very special woman.

Today it doesn't seem like things will be so simple. There is nothing falling into place like yesterday. I am achy and sore from playing with a six year old boy ( S.O's Son ) and running around trying to keep up with him. Amazing how much energy a little boy could have.

I thought about going out to wash the car or go to a movie or go to the river and walk like my intent was yesterday and, it's already noon and I'm still on my first cup of coffee, just had my first cigarette. The day is passing by and I'm still wondering what to do with myself.

Its days like today that a person who is prone to depression needs to be wary of. I know that if I don't force myself to get out of the house I will stay on this couch and feel sorry  for myself. I will stay here and obsess about the future and how bleak things COULD turn out. I won't see the good that the day can offer and no amount of prompting can fix that once I'm there. I understand the problem, the issue is compensating and doing something about it. The issue is knowing and then putting into action all the things that I have learned sense December when I went to the hospital.

I could say for instance that I've already ran the dish washer and the laundry for the day. So I am making things happen, even if they are small. I could say that my S.O has work to do and therefor I can't go and hang out with her and her Son. I could say that the car is filthy and needs a wash, why not go out in the sun and wash the car. I could say that its a great day for a walk in the woods and go out to a local spot for a hike. One foot in front of the other, day by day. One issue at a time. You have to hand it to yourself for the little victories because they prod and push you on to the bigger ones. You have to acknowledge your forward progress, even if it is just a small step at a time. That will help and give you confidence for the bigger steps. I may call a friend and ask if he wants to go shoot a game of pool.

I love my S.O very much but I was showing off last night when we were playing pool. She doesn't know how to play very well and I always play up or down to the person I'm playing with. I can't fake a good shot, but I can blow one when I'm playing with someone who isn't as good as I am. A real game, with real competition is a rare beauty. It's something we all look forward to, some kind of conquest, challenge. Something where, when we win, we feel like we did something outstanding. Yes, it's the hard fight that you win and are proud of. No reason to be proud of the trivial victories right?

How completely contradictory I've become. One minute I'm telling you to appreciate and accept your small victories and focus on them so you can have the motivation for the big ones. The next minute I'm saying that the hard victory is worth the fight and THAT is what you should be happy about. How can it work both ways?

When you are trying to better yourself and every single step is a hard one to take, those "little" victories are just as important as the big ones. For me, for instance, I could have left the dishes and the laundry. I know, it sounds trivial and I even said it was a minute ago. However, Just because it didn't take all the strength I have to put the laundry into the wash, I didn't have to do it. It was a choice that I made, and a healthy one. Eating oats and fruit for breakfast was another one. Doing the dishes was another. Now I'm writing these thoughts out to share with the world, and this is yet another step.

The point I'm trying to make is, just because something is trivial to YOU doesn't mean that you shouldn't appreciate the effect it has on you. I added up those little victories and now I'm ready to walk out my front door and go on into the sun for the day. Who knows what adventures await? Maybe none, maybe I will meet a new friend. Maybe I will do the things I set out to, come home, make dinner and relax knowing nothing bad happened today. Whatever the case may be, without the little steps, I wouldn't have the desire or confidence to walk out of the front door.

Best of luck to you all, thanks for reading.
- Matthew


  1. I have decided that NOTHING is too trivial for me to call it a victory!

    1. Thinking like that is what keeps me going most days. Thanks for the comment!

  2. "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.”
    ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

    This quote always made me laugh, but it also inspired me. It made getting out of the house, going out there to meet and interact with people sound very exciting.

    1. It's funny you mention that quote, that's EXACTLY what I was thinking when I went out on Sunday. I didn't go out all day and run a marathon or do anything super exciting, but I did get my butt out of the house and go to the park for a walk. I hope you get out and enjoy the sun. Thanks for commenting.

  3. There are days when getting from the bed to the couch are a victory for me. I've also learned to appreciate the small things in life because they add up to a greater appreciation. Glad to hear you made it to the park and enjoyed the sun for a bit. Great for you!

    Take care,

    AJ's wHooligan in the A-Z Challenge

    1. Thank you for the encouragement. Weekends are almost as much work as the week for me. We all have our road to travel. Good luck to you on yours

  4. Hey, waking up is a victory! I like to try to find the joys in the little things...I mean the TINY things, like whoop whoop, all green lights on the way to the grocery store, or whoa, there's no one in the last checkout lane. Because, throughout the day, a gazillion of things happen and they aren't always fantastic. So, when you can, find joy in the small victories! Cheers, Lena

    1. Hey, I'm going to have a cookie after dinner! Agreed, the smaller victories are sometimes awesome, because they are victories that only we know about. No one else knows that today was awesome because I got a discount on Krispy Kreme. That little victory is MINE... Cheers

  5. Victory is a matter of perception. I find every moment of every day victorious. Why not? I have a choice. (No, I'm not one of those "all the time bubbly people" you mentioned in a previous post.) I simply refuse to be defeated, and I'm very serious when it comes to making choices, even little ones.

    MJ, A to Z Challenge Co-Host
    Writing Tips
    Effectively Human
    Lots of Crochet Stitches

    1. I totally agree. Thank you for the comment.

  6. I've been reading through your posts and see so much of my life in your writing. I have had to deal with depression and anxiety for years and your words are exactly how I feel. I will continue to read your blog as the new posts come out.
    Kimberly :)