My Name is Matthew, and I am a soldier. I have an interesting view that I share from time to time with the folks I encounter as I walk the road. Some of those people have encouraged me to seek out ways to help others or simply share my views or ideas with more people. I will blog on many subjects, from things that piss me off on a daily basis to more important issues such as dealing with chronic depression and the struggles that ensue as a result. I will be taking bits and pieces from emails and rants that I have verbalized as well, so if you see something we have talked about please, smile and nod...Thanks for reading.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Friday Night

I had a week, one nasty seven days in eternity that served to lay a few bricks in the foundation of my road to recovery. I have accepted that the last 32 years or so of my life have done some intense damage to me. I have also accepted that everything I do, every mental step I take from here on out is either to further my recovery or further damage my sorry little backside. I was laying in bed, wrapped in the serenity of my Lover's arms feeling completely vulnerable. I allowed myself to recall the dark moments in my life and re live them while in her arms. In that blissful moment I realized how important it is for me to re live the hell that made me who I am. Not only re live that hell, but recover from it. They call it "Exposure" in the psychiatric world. They tell you that you need to allow yourself to experience the things that hurt you the most and allow yourself to come through that. There is hope of getting through those moments. There is hope that you can feel better after the hell you allow yourself to feel. I feel it is powerful enough to write down and share, beautiful that you can feel such pain and come through it. I have been prescribed medication to deal with moments of pain and anxiety. I have medical life lines to use for moments when I can't bear it. I didn't use that today, because I felt it important to feel every moment. Pain medication will kill and mask the pain you feel, but you can also do more damage to yourself when you don't feel the pain you are supposed to feel. If you allow yourself to feel the pain, and get through it, you can own that moment. You can own the pain, and the moment and be truly powerful.

I take every moment and soak what I can out of it. Sometimes I take it for granted, and forget that even the hell that I go through is supposed to TEACH ME SOMETHING. Something I wouldn't learn any other way. Some days I forget that the pain I'm going through isn't the worst pain in the world. Sometimes, I even feel that my pain is the only pain in the world. I forget that people close to me have their own personal hell that they are going through. I forget that even those I myself lean on for strength, can have moments of complete and total vulnerability. Those people in my life that I feel are always there for me when I'm weak, have their moments of weakness.

I take the moment, and hold it in my hand and cherish it, because it only last a moment. I take every drop of power left to me in each moment I am fortunate enough to feel. Don't allow yourself to live in the mistakes you made, don't allow yourself to dwell in the ache of your soul. Don't convince yourself, like I sometimes do, that your hell is all that is there. Pull yourself through the pain, and if you need a hand REACH OUT.

I wish you all the best, thank you for reading.


  1. THIS. >>>>> " Don't allow yourself to live in the mistakes you made, don't allow yourself to dwell in the ache of your soul."

    Pure poetry.

    1. Writing for me, is a major coping skill. I love to write letters to my Lover who inspires the best of my writing. Thanks for the complement and thank you for reading. I wish you the best of luck in all that you do.

  2. Sometimes I find that the hardest part is "reaching out"!

    1. Reaching out may be the hardest thing to do, but if you think of the consequences of NOT reaching out, suddenly that step forward isn't so hard. Thank you for the comment.

  3. Thanks for sharing. Going through on my own little piece of "hell" right now, I am finding it "weight lifting" to face my fears, have those uneasy conversations and letting it all out. You're inspiring.

  4. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and fortunately it's not a train. Trust me, everything we go through in life is either something we learn from or something we do again so that we can learn from it. Sometimes, we are fortunate enough to learn from it the first time. Bless you, and good luck to you. If you are going through hell, keep on going. Just like the song says.
    Thanks for the comment and good luck.

  5. Everyone has something. I'm a firm believer the grass isn't always greener - it's just different grass. It's one of the reasons people need each other so much. We need to know that no matter what we're going through, someone else cares. Keep going forward, Matt. Feel the pain, but never let it define who you are.

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