My Name is Matthew, and I am a soldier. I have an interesting view that I share from time to time with the folks I encounter as I walk the road. Some of those people have encouraged me to seek out ways to help others or simply share my views or ideas with more people. I will blog on many subjects, from things that piss me off on a daily basis to more important issues such as dealing with chronic depression and the struggles that ensue as a result. I will be taking bits and pieces from emails and rants that I have verbalized as well, so if you see something we have talked about please, smile and nod...Thanks for reading.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Little steps

Sometimes I forget that the small steps make the biggest difference. I watched a movie today, and while watching it, I broke down into tears no less than five separate times. I kept seeing myself in the main character. I kept identifying with the issues being displayed. I kept feeling alone and un-heard. I kept feeling as though I was in a private hell designed just for me. I kept feeling as though I would never find comfort again. I thought of myself as alone. Reaching out is sometimes the hardest thing to do.
       I sent a text to my boss, telling him I was going through some troubling times. I sent a text to my Lover, telling her that I was sorry I was so out of it. I tried to explain that, I have been feeling like Super Man lately and I thought that I would be okay without my medication. I thought that I was all right. I felt that I was doing well. I felt confident, that I didn't need the medication. I was wrong. I pushed myself into a corner, shut out the lights, and expected the world to make sense again. I went down the rabbit hole without my flash light. There are dark and scary things in that little rabbit hole. There are things that would make you wish you had some support.
         No one should ever feel alone. No one should ever feel that the walls are closing in on them and there is no where to go. That leads down a dark dark road that no one should ever walk down. The doors start to close and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Suddenly there is light, and we rush for it, only to see that it is a train bearing down on us with no mercy. There is mercy in this world, there are people there to help us when we stumble and fall. There are ways to deal with the darkness, there is a hope, that doesn't turn out to be a train. We must stand firm and try again. We must pick ourselves up when we fall. We cannot rely on the world to help us. We cannot rely on our family or friends to understand us. We cannot rely on our friends to understand the twisted reality we have  woven for ourselves to live within. That is ours, and we dare not share it with anyone. The moment we do, we allow that reality to be crushed under the boot heels of our "friends". We allow them power over a secret world that is our own. Hold dear to your truths for they are yours. Hold dear to who you are, for it is all you have. When the lights go out, and the world fades into the black beyond, you have only yourself. That can be a comfort to those who are introverts. Those who need not other people who can understand. Those of us who still need the world, those of us who are not yet capable of being completely alone to our own devices. Those of us who still need the medication, we must hold tight to ourselves, and not allow for vulnerability.
        Prayer, and faith, some would say, will see you through. Self help, and a better understanding of who you are, others would argue is the ultimate goal. Some people will throw ideas at you like a child in the kitchen trying to decide if the spaghetti is done or not. Waiting for something to stick to the cabinet doors, trying to push ideas until they make sense to a mind warped by the torments of the past. Some people would watch and learn from you and dissect like a scientist with a foreign bug, trying to see where the heart, liver, and lungs are. They will rip you to shreds only to tell you your darkest secrets without you ever knowing you gave any inclination you had such a troubling past. They do this in order to show you that you aren't alone, someone else had the same issues long ago. That is great for the doctor, but it doesn't help YOU. It doesn't explain or mitigate the pain you currently suffer from! YOU need answers, YOU need a new way of thinking, a new method for dealing with the issues that make you cry when a commercial comes on the radio. YOU need a method for process that doesn't involve the subjugation to romanticized versions of a past not your own but embellished from bits and pieces of other people's drama in order to placate you and lure you into a false sense of well being. YOU need to be okay with who you are, and not a bit of rhetoric from the past or some text book answers will do.
        Yesterday I wrote about courage, and I puffed and huffed and blew smoke as thick as I could. I lied to you and to myself, because at the moment that lie gave me strength. Now, I feel defeated and lost. At the moment I feel alone, completely out of touch with anyone and anything. I am in no danger of hurting myself. I set that block a long time ago, I simply won't do that. But what do I tell you about someone who hasn't yet set that block who is where I am mentally right now, this very second?
        What I can tell you, is that if you are reading this, you are alive. You are trying to understand the message that I am attempting to convey with the limited vocabulary that I have. You therefor, haven't given up yet. You may be in pain, and I may never know you or understand the depth of pain you feel, but you are in pain none the less. Maybe you aren't in pain, and you just can remember a time when you were, and are hoping that my words may help for the next time you are in pain. Either case, this is relevant. Someone I know once said "We are all either in a storm, just coming out of one, or heading directly into one". The message is that, trials don't just stop. Mental pain and suffering is a part of life that we must learn to mitigate. If you are reading this you are still alive. You can still process.
            SAVOR every moment. I don't mean, SUFFER every moment. We all suffer, it's no fun, so screw that. SAVOR every moment. Make each one powerful and potent. Take everything you can from every single moment. As I lay on my couch huffing and sniveling into a tissue, I tried to understand the thought process. SAVOR. Yes, savor. Truly appreciate your suffering. If you are spiritual, offer that suffering up as a gift to GOD. If you are Catholic or Christian, offer that suffering up to God or Jesus as a testament that you are human and you too suffer. Acknowledge that you are going through a trial and you are trying to do your job of carrying your cross. If you aren't religious, savor that pain and realize that the simple fact that you can feel it means that you are alive and therefor have defeated the object of your pain. You have control over that very moment. Yes, it hurts, YES it is bringing you to tears, YES your chest feels like an elephant has decided to stomp you into nothing. YES, the pain is real. YES you can still feel it. You have the ability to perceive pain. You are alive, and therefor the battle is not over yet. You are not in the ground yet, it has not claimed you. YOU still have the moment. YOU still have control over that still small bit of yourself that feels, and you are allowing yourself to feel pain. Breath in, and breathe out. You can make it through this.

If at any time, you feel as though you can't THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT. Aunts, Uncles, Parents, friends, co workers, Chaplins, Priests, Clergy, 1-800-273-TALK, Any hospital will take you in and help you talk it out. REACH OUT. If I can do it, anyone can.
I wish you all the best. Thank you for reading


  1. Oh my God Wayne your writing brings me to my knees. Thank you for the words. And I offer prayers for what you are going through. I don't know how or why I found your blog but I want you to know that your words are POWERFUL and they help me! Keep writing your feelings

  2. I'm flattered, sincerely. Honestly, when I write for my blog I just type. I don't really have a schedule or break down. I have an idea and I start. The words just flow from there. We all have our storms and trials. I am glad that I am helping you. I am sad, that you are going through times that cause you the kind of pain that allows you to relate to me. The road is long and treacherous but if we don't take the first step, we will never see what beauty awaits us.