My Name is Matthew, and I am a soldier. I have an interesting view that I share from time to time with the folks I encounter as I walk the road. Some of those people have encouraged me to seek out ways to help others or simply share my views or ideas with more people. I will blog on many subjects, from things that piss me off on a daily basis to more important issues such as dealing with chronic depression and the struggles that ensue as a result. I will be taking bits and pieces from emails and rants that I have verbalized as well, so if you see something we have talked about please, smile and nod...Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Dream Big

        I was inspired recently by a few things. The idea that sometimes we limit our dreams and our ambitons to what we THINK we can accomplish. This works with relationships as well. We get the love, appreciate the love we THINK we should. We fail to see the world as our Oyster, and the dreams we have we are timid to reach for because we THINK they are beyond us. We are intimidated because the world or the society we live in drives into us that we can't or we shouldn't reach for the stars. We are discouraged by precieved limitations, and therefor succumb to a reality that we create based on the impression that other people give us. FORGET THAT. No no, hold no limits on yourself that are not needed. Refuse to bow to "normal" and refuse to cut your dreams short or your ambitions. "I WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT, I WILL NOT VANISH WITHOUT A FIGHT !"... It's said over and over in movies, songs, plays, poetry. The same message over and over again. Those who bend, break, or flat out ignore rules and societal norms are propelled forward or land on their faces and never attempt such greatness again. The difference between the two is that those propelled forward have landed on their face, they just refused to give up. This message is read and heard again and again. Even so recently as the Bat Man movies with Christian Bale. "Why do we fall Bruce?"... You would think with so many people out there telling us from such an early age that we would get beyond what OTHER PEOPLE say we can accomplish. This makes sence to someone thinking as an adult, who was there, did that and grew up. Those of you reading this, going "yep, I knew it all along" take a seccond. Look at your life, as I look at mine, and realize how short you sold yourself. Realize how timid and afraid you were when you failed to look PAST the horizon. Though we hav all done such silly things, I think that everyone also has a quite different story as well. I think that everyone at one time or another says "Screw the rules, I want this, I'm going to do it my way". I think that everyone has some success story where, they ignored what others told them they could NOT do. Stories of patients told they would NEVER walk again... Stories of people who thought they would NEVER recover from an injury or illness who made the effort, took the time, refused to give up and eventually made it. WE CAN NOT GIVE IN. Though we do.
      To often we focus on the negative. I'm here to say, that's easy enough to do. Sitting on my couch or in my easy chair feeling sorry for myself crying my eyes out with a beer or a glass of Scotch in my hand. Fair enough, fine, that's all well and good. You can have those moments. Just dont forget to pick yourself back up when your done. Don't forget that there are people who care about you. Don't forget that there are places you can go and people you can call. Don't ignore the list of numbers in your phone when that happens. Don't think that they wouldn't want to help you or wouldn't have the time to help you. Don't think that you would be a burdon. Trust me you won't be.

     The burdon comes to those of us unfortunate enough to know someone who DIDN'T call. Someone who didn't ask, and didn't make that leap to the top. We have felt the pain of loss and remembered those moments with clarity. Often times we think "If I had known that this person was feeling THAT BAD, I would have given up ANYTHING to help them". You know my story is true here, and if you don't, ask around. I would rather get a call at 2 AM from someone I don't know than read about an accident in the paper the next day thinking that I could have helped.

       DREAM BIG, and refuse to bow down. If you slip and fall, pick yourself up, and if that's too difficult, ask for help. God, friends, family, or even a complete stranger will help if you just have the courage to ask for it. Best of luck to you all.

          The picture posted here is my pet Bearded Dragon, in his favorite place at the window. I'm not sure if he is dreaming of being out in the sun or just teasing the birds. All I know is that the picture inspired me. DREAM BIG.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Fine... Sure... Whatever

         I'm writing a ton lately. I guess that's a good thing, the thoughts are coming out rather than sitting in my head without any outlet. I recently got frustrated with my social situation and joined an online dating site. I've given the link to my blog to at least one person I have been talking to. Honestly, I don't have anything to hide. This blog goes back almost a full year, there is a ton of personal information here. I don't want to meet someone who isn't aware of who and what I am. So if this helps eliminate the people I wouldn't be compatible with, so be it.

          On the flip side, my life is riddled with compromises I so wish I had never made. Too many times I thought to myself, "I need / want attention and affection, so I will allow someone willing to give it to me". I should have been more picky along the way, I should have taken my time instead of rushing in blindly trying to gulp down the water. It always makes you sick when you do that. When you are thirsty and dehydrated and you just POUR water down your throat you get sick and things only get worse. That's a medical fact. Apparently it has emotional and social implications as well.

         I hate hurting people and I hate getting hurt, but in the process of finding Mrs. Right, I may have to tell some people that I'd rather not continue talking to them because they just don't fit the bill. I'm not out to hurt anyone's feelings or lead people on. For me this is an ethical problem, I don't want to get to know about someone and talk to them for hours just to find out some tid bit or crazy little THING that makes me say "Nope, sorry, NEXT". The simple fact of the matter is, maybe that's what I have to do so that I don't waste a long time trying to make something work that simply shouldn't. I'm not heartless, and I'm not a mean person. For me, the hard part is knowing when and how to stand up for myself and assert myself.

          Maybe the reason I've been trampled on is because I didn't stand up for myself and say "I'm sorry but this shouldn't continue. This needs to stop and we should just go our separate ways". I am very aware of what I am looking for. I am very aware of what I will accept and what I won't. The problem for me is intentionally causing someone else harm by letting them down when maybe they think that things are going great or that I would fit their needs. I don't like hurting people. I'm the kind of guy who sees a car pulled over on the side of the highway and I stop. I approach with caution and ask if the person or people are okay or if they need help. I've been that way my whole life. I guess it's a miracle I haven't been shot. Sad truth is, I'd take a bullet to prove that there are still human beings who care enough to stop. I'm not trying to be a victim, but I would rather be a victim who tried to show he was a human being than a victim who didn't care enough to stop and let someone else fall into the trap. I'm rambling now because facing this the way I am writing it is making me feel odd. Some how slightly uncomfortable.
          I wish you all the best luck finding someone for you. Don't settle, and don't do like I did. Don't justify taking someone out on a date or going further than that even if you aren't sure they are worth your time. Best of luck to everyone.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Fortune Favors the BOLD

       Fear, what a bunch of BS. For a moment, let me refer to a movie. I know, big surprise right? The dangers in life that cause us to have fear, are very real. Gunfire, or being fired from your job are both very real things to fear. Fear itself however, is stupid. Anxiety or fear can be used to motivate us to act, but more often than not the actions that are caused by these emotions are counter productive unless one has been trained to recognize and deal with said fear.

       I went off on that little rant to prove a point. Sometimes the size of our fear is way bigger than the size of the actual danger and then we act silly. I went off yesterday about howling. I was talking about howling because I wanted to prove a point that we can do ANYTHING we want to if we just forget to fear what other people will think of us. Well, today I wasn't howling in public, but I may have been.

       I went to a place where there is usually a line, so you take a number and wait your turn. As numbers were called off I could see different people providing customer service behind the counter. As I always do, I watched what was going on around me and I saw something stunning. There was a woman behind the counter that was simply beautiful. Her eyes, her hair, the shade of skin, the way she moved all conveyed a sense of feminine grace that I believe has been lost lately. She reminded me of water flowing over rocks in the river. I was hypnotized and I felt myself trying to find the right words to say should I be fortunate enough to be called to her line. Sometimes, I feel the urge to say or do something silly or irrational. More often than not I chicken out at this point for fear of rejection, fear of embarrassment or tripping over my own words. My biggest fear was what if she is offended or what if she thinks I'm being unprofessional and decides to complain that I harassed her? So as I waited for my number to be called, her window was number 1, I got called to window number 2. As the man behind window number 2 took down my information, I asked him if I could have just a second. I approached window number one and asked if I could speak to her. I don't even know her name. As she approached me I found myself saying "I'm sorry for bothering you, but I just wanted to tell you that I have seen  you and you are simply stunning, I saw you and I said DAMN. I'm sorry if I'm being inappropriate, or if I offended you but you are beautiful and I just wanted to tell you that".
       She beamed from ear to ear and before she could say anything I walked briskly back to window number two and pretended that I had just said hi to a friend. I watched as this beautiful woman gathered up the other women in the back and giggling ensued and she couldn't seem to stop smiling. I feel like maybe I made her day. I'm not sure, but I think that every woman out there likes to be told that they are beautiful. I'm pretty sure that every woman out there would like to have a man come to them and do as I did, without asking for a date or staring at her chest or acting rude. I wasn't asking her out on a date, though I wish I could have. I was just telling her that she was beautiful and I noticed and I appreciated. Maybe she was back there, telling the other women that there is some silly guy out there hitting on her. Who knows what she went back there to say? What I know, is that I told her that I saw her, and she is beautiful. Maybe the next time I see her, I will remind her, that she is beautiful.

        Whatever the case, I thought, what the hell? What is the worst thing that can happen? If I'm respectful and polite, it can't be sexual harassment. If I come across genuine, even if she is married, which, I didn't see a ring, she would appreciate someone saying something nice like that. When I am in a relationship with someone, I do my best to remind myself and my partner of the little things that I appreciate about them. The company, the pat on the back that I get sometimes when I'm with a woman. The gentle way a woman does things. The sick sad truth is, I think the average man forgot to appreciate woman. I think the average woman got so used to man being that way that, when a man comes along who cares, it's seen as flattery to get something. Not genuine. I feel this is a shame and shouldn't be allowed to continue. Women should demand men treat them right or hit the road jack. I think men should stop allowing women to treat us like ATM machines, or in some cases, escorts. I am a man, and I would like to be caressed. I would like to be hugged. I would like to be treated with the same soft gentle respect that I offer to any woman I've ever been with. I will not be taken advantage of anymore.

        Fortune favors the bold, and if we never reach for that peach at the top of the tree, if we never risk the fall, we won't know how sweet it tastes because it will start to rot before it falls. Worms will get to it before it reaches the ground on it's own. DARE to be great, HUNT for the challenge, and challenge the "normal". You may never know, what if she taps me on the shoulder out in public and offers me the chance to ask her out? What if I'm so nervous that I don't? Stand up to your nerves and fight your fears. You cannot pretend to know what is at stake if you don't.
        I wish you all the best luck in the world.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

For the "howl" of it

      I have been writing allot lately, I guess I'm inspired. I was in the car today running errands on my day off, it seems to be the only time I can do things for me. I renewed my car registration, and after that I just drove. I found myself wandering around this town going down one road. The thought that all roads lead to the highway. It's a mystery to me how I believe in such things and they most often are true. This time, out in nowhere, I found myself listening to a particular song. I was encouraged to howl at the moon from the song. So, looking around and finding no one else in the car, I howled. LOUDLY I howled. I raised my mouth to the roof of the car and let out a long howl. NORMALLY I raise my voice and sing in the car, it's not an odd thing. Although I hide myself from my impulses from time to time and it feels odd to do something people would find ODD. This time I found myself howling in my car because it felt good. WHO CARES ?! I had a sudden daydream, or fantasy of someone in the car looking at me as though I was crazy. She looked at me like I was nuts, and I simply said to her "Who knows you are howling in my car but me?". Together we howled, loud and clear baying at the moon, or the sun, whatever. WHY NOT?! Why can't I do something as silly as howl in my own car? If it makes me feel better, or makes me smile, or if for whatever reason it breaks me out of my shell, why shouldn't I howl? This moment of complete absurdity was simply beyond me. I'm not sure why, but I found the experience tickling. I found myself laughing in the mirrors and smiling from ear to ear.

      The thought here, is whatever makes you smile, whatever makes you laugh, so long as no one gets hurt who cares? So long as you aren't doing something that compromises your morals or ethics, and doesn't hurt anyone who cares what you do? I once found myself with a girl friend in the mall, I walked up to a complete stranger and asked if her and I looked good together as a couple. My girl friend immediately froze and changed color, the mysterious passer by simply smiled and said "Yes, you guys make a cute couple". The point here is that it was completely unexpected at the time and she was embarrassed. I feel bad for embarrassing her, but at the same time, if I can be strange and still have fun what/s the problem? I wish you luck, and I wish that you do whatever makes you feel good, no matter how silly or crazy it may seem. The story is written by those who aren't afraid to break the rules, or change the rules. The story is written by those who don't care about the rules.

        I appreciate you reading and I wish you all luck.


             Sometimes as I walk my road, I see the good and the bad. I stop to appreciate a sunset, or a flower blooming. I go out of my way for just a minute or two to make someone else I don't even know smile. I don't do these things expecting some grand reward. I do them because I want to, and I do them because they make me feel good. I do them for the look of shock or pleasure or gratitude in the eyes of someone who has seen the ugly side of things, maybe much worse than I have had the misfortune of seeing. I go the extra little bit sometimes to smile when I'm given a distasteful task at work to complete. Sometimes I even volunteer for something I'm pretty sure I won't enjoy. Why would you do such a thing Matthew? Because, if I didn't have plans anyways I would simply end up alone in my flat wishing I had company. If I am on a detail of some sort I will be with other people, and maybe I can make them smile by acting silly or shouting something absurd at an awkward moment. Maybe I can trip and fall and cause people to laugh at how silly and clumsy I am. Maybe by interacting with other people I might make a new friend. Maybe I can learn something from the people around me and somehow find a way to be a better man, or a better Sergeant. Whatever the case, I won't be alone in my flat watching the TV feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I don't have a good reason to go out on my own just yet, maybe I can't appreciate my off time just yet because I want so badly to be with someone who cares about me as passionately as I care about them. Why should I suffer alone in my apartment when I could be out conquering demons and dealing with my issues the only way I seem to be able? Someone dear to me once said "THANK God for your suffering, it teaches you". I was frustrated when I heard this, SUFFERING HURTS doesn't it? Well DUH! If you can appreciate what you are being taught by your suffering, if you can stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop being so selfish and see the situation as an opportunity, you might be able to learn something. Shouldn't we be grateful for every chance to learn we are offered? If we have the chance or the money to go to school or the chance to learn from someone at work who is more proficient than we are, or if we have a chance to see beauty in motion, or hear something that changes our hearts, what fools we would be not to appreciate the chance to LEARN? Suffering and pain teaches us if we let it. So yes, thank God for your suffering, or simply appreciate the opportunity to learn in whatever way seems best for you. I used to have crying fits; I haven't had one in a while. Part of me misses the complete and total release of control. Part of me misses feeling the warm wet tears splashing out of my face onto my hands. Part of me misses the way my whole body would shake and tremble from the raw expression of pain as it leaves me like dirt being washed off my body in the shower. What a powerful and beautiful way God gave us to express grief and pain, what a beautiful way we humans suffer. I marvel at it now, and wonder, dogs and cats can whimper and whine but they can't cry. Humans may be the only beings on the planet that are capable of showing pain this way. If you know different please correct me, I'd appreciate knowing. I don't cry lately, but I've been in my share of pain. Working through it, I struggle to find the positive side of things. I suppose the good thing about breaking up with someone you care for is that now you know that you aren't supposed to be with THAT person. Maybe you are just another step closer to who you are supposed to be with. Maybe you needed that kick in the teeth so that you can be just a little more humble or maybe it was so that you see something in a potential mate that now is a warning sign when before it wasn't. Whatever the case, every situation you find yourself in is a chance to learn. Don't be afraid of pain, but don't drown in it. Look for the lesson you should learn. Look for the method in which you found yourself in such pain and learn that pot hole good so you don't slam into it again later down the road. Be who you are, and try your best to understand yourself. Don't be scared of the dangers that await you down the road, look forward for the opportunities to learn your strengths and strengthen your weaknesses. If this is the only bright spot, then let it shine. Let it blot out the darkness and swim in the light. Refuse to be consumed.

Best wishes, thanks for reading.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

What fools we can be sometimes

       Here I go again, same old story. I open my heart up to someone and get burned. Without going into too much personal details out of respect for myself I'm going to explore the nature of history and abuse and growth and how it affects our relationships later in life just a bit here. Hold on, this one is going to get bumpy.

       Have you ever met someone and it just seemed to CLICK? I mean you both seemed to just hit it off straight away. Some how the stars put you two in a position to meet and look how much you have in common and suddenly you feel your falling in love and the other person seems to be right there with you, on the same level and everything. You move to the next step and in your head everything is going well and good and nothing is wrong then out of nowhere after a great weekend together relaxing, POW the other person tosses you into the FRIEND ZONE and slams the door in your face.

        You express how hurt you are by the situation and how much you wish that things were different and how upset you are because you feel like you have been led on. Nothing changes, she is upset because you don't want to be her friend, you are upset because that's all she wants. She tells you that no man has ever been so good to her, and you explain how much you care for her. Stuck in the dreaded FRIEND ZONE you remain. She then gets mad at you for every little thing you did wrong during the entire relationship that she never felt the urge to express to you. After telling her from the get go that you aren't psychic, and you can't read minds. You explain clearly that you have a past and baggage. You express yourself clearly from the start that you know how you are and you are prone to being a certain way. After the relationship collapses she wants to bring up all the little things that you thought weren't a big deal because she never said anything was wrong.

          You don't want to go dark and depressed, you don't want to get upset and childish so you just agree to disagree. She continues to persue you and ask over and over to be friends. Finally you break the silence and ask directly "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" You get the expected, "I thought we could be friends but obviously you are just too immature for that". Please, throw more stones on me after you thrash me when I was just getting comfortable enough to let you into my armor and not protect myself anymore. She swings hard and fast and the next thing you know you are fighting the urge to use four letter words and throw low blows. Maybe you let one or two of each slip, and then it's over. The break up is complete. You once again are single and you feel hollow because once again you have put your trust in someone who hurt you. For whatever reason you felt comfortable enough with this person to let them into your guard and allow them to see you for who you are, and without a seccond thought they cut you to the bone. Then they get mad at you for not understanding why they dumped you. Why does all this happen?? Allow me to explain a bit.

         I asked a few people the conditions in which I grew up. I was curious if I was always as crazy as I am now. I'm sure that four combat tours didn't HELP me any, either did two divorces with women I never should have married in the first place. The question was about my childhood. The answer I got from the person I asked was "Matthew, you didn't exactly grow up in a "STABLE" environment, there could have been dozens of reasons for the way you were when you were younger". Great, so I'm fouled up from the start. Nice jump on life I was given. Not to beat the dead horse here, but I got up off the ground and found my feet and did the best I could. You don't walk across broken glass and not have a few scars. You also don't walk across broken glass and not develop some thick skin. So why am I so sensitive? Why am I the way I am? It's not Chess, it's checkers, simple. I seek women who will hurt me and cuddle me because that's what I grew up with. That's what I was taught was "normal". Fighting the urge to find a woman that's like that isn't exactly easy. I gravitate toward women who fit my version of "Normal". Obviously if that impression was formed during my childhood in such a chaotic environment, the picture wasn't healthy or clear to say the least. Knowing all this is part of the equation, finding someone who is gentle, kind, and willing to be that way with someone as screwed up as I am is entirely seperate. Making any sort of "normal" human connection requires skills that I never really learned. If people didn't like me when I was a child, they hurt me. Those who did like me didn't hurt me. I had to impress people or be useful in some way so that people would have a reason to let the screwed up little kid hang out with them. So as an adult I feel a constant urge to impress people and do above and beyond in order to win attention and make "friends" who later get frustrated when I realize I've been used and no longer wish to be treated that way. This isn't a sob story, I'm writing this out because I know for certain I'm not the only one out there running on a tread mill of lousy experiences with interpersonal relationships. Not just trying to find a partner.

         The moral of the story is clear. Once you know, set a limit, a line, a standard. Once  you understand what makes a situation unhealthy or hurtful or damaging to you, don't accept it. Break off whatever lousy relationship you are in, eat the bullet and let the other person go. Find someone who will treat you proper and don't stop looking until you do. Don't accept someone's pity or urge to help you because you poor thing, you have been so mistreated. Find someone who can look into your eyes and see you for who you are and appreciate it all. The good, and the bad inside you. Then show that person that you are willing to love, if it's reciprocated. Build a friendship based on trust and understanding and allow that person to see that you are past the pain of the past but sometimes you slip into your depressive state. Don't be afraid to show that person who you TRULY are. If they are there for you they will accept you. If not they don't deserve you. Don't accept someone who wants you around one minute then needs to think about it the next. BE who you are and be proud of who you are and don't ever let someone tell you that you aren't worthy of them. If they say that it's because they are scared that they aren't worthy of you. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity and not a one of us deserves to be living in fear of upsetting the other person or causing ripples in the water. Disagreements are part of life, accept it. There is no perfect existance, accept that. Not every person gets to live in the house on the hill with the white picket fence and the dog and 2.5 kids. Not every woman out there will be soccer Mom one day and not every Man will be Father of the year. That doesn't mean that we don't all deserve to find a partner that can appreciate us and love us for who and what we are. I'm done settling for seccond, or third, I want to be number one for someone.

           Look at your past, at the men and or women who shaped you and then look at your choice of partners over the years. Decide if you have been searching for something healthy or if you have been chasing the wrong person the whole time and you deserve better. Then go where you are truly happy and maybe someone worth your time will show up one day. Like the song says however, "You can't hurry love". I wish you all the best.

Man Vs. Machine

       As you know, from time to time I feel like getting dirty. Sometimes I sling it, sometimes I shovel it and sometimes I end up eating it. I may do a bit of all three here on this one. As the modern age has evolved we have found new ways to damage our children and ruin our culture and society as a whole. The GO GREEN movement and the Vegetarian and fad diet culture as well as the WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT mentality is starting to make American society rather scary. Cell phones that allow people to play games, instant message, call co workers, and download directions all at the same time have added to the pressures of American workaholics. Let's face it folks, we all work way too hard and we could use a vacation.

        I work as a soldier, and I'm sure that my experiences at work are rather different than anyone NOT a soldier. In some ways I'm sure my "normal" day of work is a cake walk for the average middle class working single adult with no children. Then again, those days that make me want to rip my hair out may seem like a friggin freight train wreck to some of you. The point is, this isn't an article where I cry on your shoulders and tell you how hard it is to be a soldier. I admit that my life can be pretty easy going sometimes. That being said, let us recall the days of old when kids in school weren't allowed to have any sort of personal electronic devices. Not because they weren't available to people, but because Mom and Dad didn't have the money for that crap to use themselves. Now everyone has a cell phone, even toddlers have little cell phone toys and there are getting to be cell phones that kids in elementary school can use that have a button to call home or whichever parent and one for 911. Advances like this make us think how safe our kids are and how comfy we can rest knowing that our children can call for help at the touch of a button.

         If you haven't seen the movie THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY... Now would be a great time to shut the computer down and find a copy of it.

         In the days before everyone had a cell phone, most people had a home phone that plugged into the wall and if you were lucky as a teenager you might have been able to put a hand set in your room which you could use when your parents weren't on the line. This made coordinating things a bit more difficult than they are now, or did it? Pryor plans and a well thought out idea of how you wanted things done made it possible to make one phone call one time and get the results you were after. Given an example, I was going to plan a barbeque at the park with some friends. Maybe some friends at work were going to go, and at work we sorted out that we would go but weren't sure who had what or who could bring what. Once I got home and inventoried my fridge I could call up my first friend assess what he was going to bring and give him some suggestions on what to bring. Then I could call my other friend and do the same. No muss, no fuss, simple. Now a days we would be driving to the park remembering that we forgot ketchup and while driving try to shoot a text off to whoever to stop on the way and get it. This all seems well and good but when you are texting and driving.... whoops. Consider the strain on certain lower level employees with demanding bosses. NOW a boss can be as demanding and unrealistic as possible and the potential employee needs to be three times as flexible. Stress beyond stress. We have advanced society so fast and so dangerously that we are causing more stress than we are alleviating with our brilliant new toys. How many passwords to you need to remember on a daily basis? I personally have a book with all my passwords in it. WHY?! Why must I have a book with fifty different passwords in it?! I thought all this security would make life easier, places still get hacked, credit cards are still stolen along with identities.

         What is the point? Every time we come up with a problem, someone wanting to make a quick buck and have some fun with science and technology is busy trying to find a quick easy solution. It must be tough creating gadgets to make the world a better place. How civilized we must all be with such amazing advances in technology. (Refer to the movie HERE). I'm not saying we should all live like cave men, I'm just saying maybe old Issac had a point. Azimov wrote some amazing books and I tip my hat to the man who saw the simple truth that one day our curiosity would cause us to work twice as hard. Now if we are smart, the idea would be to take these new advances in technology and try to find a way to make them LESS complex. Find a way to make things better without being so ridiculously impossible for the average person to understand that we break it. Cell phones are great, but lets be real here folks, how much pressure do they add to the average adult? Now my boss can call me 24 hours a day and I have to answer my phone. If I don't respond within ten minutes to a text I get threatened with being in trouble because I'm out of contact. I WAS IN THE SHOWER FOR GOD'S SAKE... No no, not more complex, less complex. I don't need five thousand apps for every little thing on earth. I don't need more technology, I need simple technology. I need people to be more responsible with what they invent and how it can be used. The world wide web was a great idea until about 4 million people turned into hackers in less than a year. The Anarchists cook book was distributed in an instant to anyone who wanted a copy and teenagers learned quickly how to make dangerous incendiary devices in the garage. No clue nor care for how dangerous the things they were playing with were. Kind of like the folks advancing technology today. I'm not talking about dooms day folks, I'm talking about being just as responsible as we are smart. I'm talking about considering second and third order effects before allowing the most dangerous things out into public hands. This is just, my opinion after all. I mean no offence to anyone, and if I have offended you I sincerely apologize.

What I deserve, and why

          I haven't written in a long while, I have been busy with life, it happens. I was prompted to write today as quite a bit has changed in my life lately and I am finding the impulse to express certain new views and opinions.

          Every time we enter into a relationship with someone, I feel most people go into the situation with some sort of expectations. Based on our past we expect the other person to react or behave in a certain way, but there is still a big mystery. We want to discover this new person and we want pleasant little surprises that make us smile and feel a certain kind of way. I feel that having expectations is a great way to be upset and disappointed. The minute you expect something you set yourself up to either be happy or sad. What if you simply let the other person show you who they are with their actions and accept them as they are. What if you allowed the other person to express over time how they behave and what they value and how they intend to treat you.

          I have learned that I don't like to be treated a certain kind of way. Being treated the way I feel I should be, pleases me. Why should I tell someone I'm interested in having a relationship with "This is what you need to do to please me"? Why give away the answer to the test before handing the student the work sheet? Cheating is implied at this point. Of course the other person is going to give you exactly what you want. They want you to do the same. If you don't, they feel used and taken advantage of. Excuse me, I'm sorry but if I tell you what I want and what I need, I need to know the same from you right? Wait wait wait, HOLD THE PHONE. Now we go and try to force someone into our little dream of Mr. or MRS. Right. Instead of simply getting to know someone and finding out if they are even remotely compatible without a cheat sheet.

         I deserve a woman, true and whole, who is feminine and beautiful. I deserve a woman who will respect me, treat me with kindness, and never degrade or insult me. I deserve a woman who is soft and tender and caring, one who understands what it means to nurture and love. I deserve a woman who isn't afraid to tell me what I have done wrong and accept that I will do silly things from time to time. I am a man after all. I deserve a woman who won't write down a list of all the things that I do incorrectly in the context of the relationship but does however take stock of all the little things I do in my efforts to show her how much she means to me and how much I appreciate her. When I screw up, I deserve a woman who will refer to her list and then decide weather or not I'm worth the effort to put up with. I deserve a tender caring woman who can appreciate a man who adores her. I deserve an affectionate woman who enjoys being touched by an affectionate man. I deserve a woman who can appreciate holding hands walking down the street watching the sun go down. Or sitting in a lawn chair on the beach watching the clouds drift by or splashing in the ocean. I deserve a woman who can smile, and make me laugh when I'm feeling down. I deserve a woman who can laugh with me when I'm happy. I deserve a woman who knows her heart and her mind enough to be up front with me and spell it out rather than relying on my non existent psychic powers. I deserve a woman who will taste my cooking and dance in the kitchen with me. I deserve a woman who will push me out of the kitchen and fix a meal or two from time to time. I deserve a woman who can have patience with me when I'm being stubborn and be stubborn with me when I'm patient. I deserve a woman who can laugh with me, and cry with me.

          I am every man in America, and every Woman has their version of this little paragraph. Most of us want the same things from a partner. So why is it rocket science to find a partner? We are all different people with different quirks. Most people don't know themselves enough to know what triggers them or why they ride their emotions like a coaster from time to time. Most people don't know why or how they go from happy to crying. This makes finding someone who knows when to be happy or sad in response to our emotional flow difficult. If you know yourself, and you are honest with the person you want to care for, you are still only halfway there. The world is harsh and cruel, and those of us who do our best to be honest and live by a moral code are few and far between. We end up jaded by those who don't and then hurt others who would have been fine if they hadn't been pushed over the edge by a jaded person. The key to stopping all this nonsense is to be true to who we are and not let someone negative change the way we interact with the rest of the human race.

          I am a nice person, not because everyone I run into is nice to me. I am nice because I respect myself enough not to let others dictate how I behave. Someone is rude to you and makes you spill your coffee, which frustrates you. Then you hurry on your way and trip someone on accident and instead of apologizing you shrug your shoulders and scurry on your way. That person rushes on with their day and bumps into me as I drop a file folder containing 300 sorted copies of paperwork that my boss needs NOW. I take a deep breath, punch my bosses number and tell him that I will be a moment or two behind because the papers slipped. I don't freak out, I control myself. I hold true to who I am because the person who bumped into me cannot control me or my emotions. Neither him nor my boss can ruin my day. I won't give that power away to just anyone.

           I deserve someone who won't hurt me on purpose. NO KIDDING? You would be shocked what people do out of anger from a misunderstanding. Pay attention to WHO YOU ARE and hold true to that. Then what you deserve is irrelevant, you get what you need.