My Name is Matthew, and I am a soldier. I have an interesting view that I share from time to time with the folks I encounter as I walk the road. Some of those people have encouraged me to seek out ways to help others or simply share my views or ideas with more people. I will blog on many subjects, from things that piss me off on a daily basis to more important issues such as dealing with chronic depression and the struggles that ensue as a result. I will be taking bits and pieces from emails and rants that I have verbalized as well, so if you see something we have talked about please, smile and nod...Thanks for reading.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Fine... Sure... Whatever

         I'm writing a ton lately. I guess that's a good thing, the thoughts are coming out rather than sitting in my head without any outlet. I recently got frustrated with my social situation and joined an online dating site. I've given the link to my blog to at least one person I have been talking to. Honestly, I don't have anything to hide. This blog goes back almost a full year, there is a ton of personal information here. I don't want to meet someone who isn't aware of who and what I am. So if this helps eliminate the people I wouldn't be compatible with, so be it.

          On the flip side, my life is riddled with compromises I so wish I had never made. Too many times I thought to myself, "I need / want attention and affection, so I will allow someone willing to give it to me". I should have been more picky along the way, I should have taken my time instead of rushing in blindly trying to gulp down the water. It always makes you sick when you do that. When you are thirsty and dehydrated and you just POUR water down your throat you get sick and things only get worse. That's a medical fact. Apparently it has emotional and social implications as well.

         I hate hurting people and I hate getting hurt, but in the process of finding Mrs. Right, I may have to tell some people that I'd rather not continue talking to them because they just don't fit the bill. I'm not out to hurt anyone's feelings or lead people on. For me this is an ethical problem, I don't want to get to know about someone and talk to them for hours just to find out some tid bit or crazy little THING that makes me say "Nope, sorry, NEXT". The simple fact of the matter is, maybe that's what I have to do so that I don't waste a long time trying to make something work that simply shouldn't. I'm not heartless, and I'm not a mean person. For me, the hard part is knowing when and how to stand up for myself and assert myself.

          Maybe the reason I've been trampled on is because I didn't stand up for myself and say "I'm sorry but this shouldn't continue. This needs to stop and we should just go our separate ways". I am very aware of what I am looking for. I am very aware of what I will accept and what I won't. The problem for me is intentionally causing someone else harm by letting them down when maybe they think that things are going great or that I would fit their needs. I don't like hurting people. I'm the kind of guy who sees a car pulled over on the side of the highway and I stop. I approach with caution and ask if the person or people are okay or if they need help. I've been that way my whole life. I guess it's a miracle I haven't been shot. Sad truth is, I'd take a bullet to prove that there are still human beings who care enough to stop. I'm not trying to be a victim, but I would rather be a victim who tried to show he was a human being than a victim who didn't care enough to stop and let someone else fall into the trap. I'm rambling now because facing this the way I am writing it is making me feel odd. Some how slightly uncomfortable.
          I wish you all the best luck finding someone for you. Don't settle, and don't do like I did. Don't justify taking someone out on a date or going further than that even if you aren't sure they are worth your time. Best of luck to everyone.


  1. I think you have your priorities straight...half the battle is knowing what you are looking for, don't you think. Please be really careful about stopping to help people along the highway though. This world is so full of crazy people

  2. Yeah, it is, they should all be warned about me. Wait, HUSH !!! don't go telling people that... The voices in my head are asking you nicely to keep their secret safe. Thanks. Best wishes Paula. You are awesome.