My Name is Matthew, and I am a soldier. I have an interesting view that I share from time to time with the folks I encounter as I walk the road. Some of those people have encouraged me to seek out ways to help others or simply share my views or ideas with more people. I will blog on many subjects, from things that piss me off on a daily basis to more important issues such as dealing with chronic depression and the struggles that ensue as a result. I will be taking bits and pieces from emails and rants that I have verbalized as well, so if you see something we have talked about please, smile and nod...Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

What fools we can be sometimes

       Here I go again, same old story. I open my heart up to someone and get burned. Without going into too much personal details out of respect for myself I'm going to explore the nature of history and abuse and growth and how it affects our relationships later in life just a bit here. Hold on, this one is going to get bumpy.

       Have you ever met someone and it just seemed to CLICK? I mean you both seemed to just hit it off straight away. Some how the stars put you two in a position to meet and look how much you have in common and suddenly you feel your falling in love and the other person seems to be right there with you, on the same level and everything. You move to the next step and in your head everything is going well and good and nothing is wrong then out of nowhere after a great weekend together relaxing, POW the other person tosses you into the FRIEND ZONE and slams the door in your face.

        You express how hurt you are by the situation and how much you wish that things were different and how upset you are because you feel like you have been led on. Nothing changes, she is upset because you don't want to be her friend, you are upset because that's all she wants. She tells you that no man has ever been so good to her, and you explain how much you care for her. Stuck in the dreaded FRIEND ZONE you remain. She then gets mad at you for every little thing you did wrong during the entire relationship that she never felt the urge to express to you. After telling her from the get go that you aren't psychic, and you can't read minds. You explain clearly that you have a past and baggage. You express yourself clearly from the start that you know how you are and you are prone to being a certain way. After the relationship collapses she wants to bring up all the little things that you thought weren't a big deal because she never said anything was wrong.

          You don't want to go dark and depressed, you don't want to get upset and childish so you just agree to disagree. She continues to persue you and ask over and over to be friends. Finally you break the silence and ask directly "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" You get the expected, "I thought we could be friends but obviously you are just too immature for that". Please, throw more stones on me after you thrash me when I was just getting comfortable enough to let you into my armor and not protect myself anymore. She swings hard and fast and the next thing you know you are fighting the urge to use four letter words and throw low blows. Maybe you let one or two of each slip, and then it's over. The break up is complete. You once again are single and you feel hollow because once again you have put your trust in someone who hurt you. For whatever reason you felt comfortable enough with this person to let them into your guard and allow them to see you for who you are, and without a seccond thought they cut you to the bone. Then they get mad at you for not understanding why they dumped you. Why does all this happen?? Allow me to explain a bit.

         I asked a few people the conditions in which I grew up. I was curious if I was always as crazy as I am now. I'm sure that four combat tours didn't HELP me any, either did two divorces with women I never should have married in the first place. The question was about my childhood. The answer I got from the person I asked was "Matthew, you didn't exactly grow up in a "STABLE" environment, there could have been dozens of reasons for the way you were when you were younger". Great, so I'm fouled up from the start. Nice jump on life I was given. Not to beat the dead horse here, but I got up off the ground and found my feet and did the best I could. You don't walk across broken glass and not have a few scars. You also don't walk across broken glass and not develop some thick skin. So why am I so sensitive? Why am I the way I am? It's not Chess, it's checkers, simple. I seek women who will hurt me and cuddle me because that's what I grew up with. That's what I was taught was "normal". Fighting the urge to find a woman that's like that isn't exactly easy. I gravitate toward women who fit my version of "Normal". Obviously if that impression was formed during my childhood in such a chaotic environment, the picture wasn't healthy or clear to say the least. Knowing all this is part of the equation, finding someone who is gentle, kind, and willing to be that way with someone as screwed up as I am is entirely seperate. Making any sort of "normal" human connection requires skills that I never really learned. If people didn't like me when I was a child, they hurt me. Those who did like me didn't hurt me. I had to impress people or be useful in some way so that people would have a reason to let the screwed up little kid hang out with them. So as an adult I feel a constant urge to impress people and do above and beyond in order to win attention and make "friends" who later get frustrated when I realize I've been used and no longer wish to be treated that way. This isn't a sob story, I'm writing this out because I know for certain I'm not the only one out there running on a tread mill of lousy experiences with interpersonal relationships. Not just trying to find a partner.

         The moral of the story is clear. Once you know, set a limit, a line, a standard. Once  you understand what makes a situation unhealthy or hurtful or damaging to you, don't accept it. Break off whatever lousy relationship you are in, eat the bullet and let the other person go. Find someone who will treat you proper and don't stop looking until you do. Don't accept someone's pity or urge to help you because you poor thing, you have been so mistreated. Find someone who can look into your eyes and see you for who you are and appreciate it all. The good, and the bad inside you. Then show that person that you are willing to love, if it's reciprocated. Build a friendship based on trust and understanding and allow that person to see that you are past the pain of the past but sometimes you slip into your depressive state. Don't be afraid to show that person who you TRULY are. If they are there for you they will accept you. If not they don't deserve you. Don't accept someone who wants you around one minute then needs to think about it the next. BE who you are and be proud of who you are and don't ever let someone tell you that you aren't worthy of them. If they say that it's because they are scared that they aren't worthy of you. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity and not a one of us deserves to be living in fear of upsetting the other person or causing ripples in the water. Disagreements are part of life, accept it. There is no perfect existance, accept that. Not every person gets to live in the house on the hill with the white picket fence and the dog and 2.5 kids. Not every woman out there will be soccer Mom one day and not every Man will be Father of the year. That doesn't mean that we don't all deserve to find a partner that can appreciate us and love us for who and what we are. I'm done settling for seccond, or third, I want to be number one for someone.

           Look at your past, at the men and or women who shaped you and then look at your choice of partners over the years. Decide if you have been searching for something healthy or if you have been chasing the wrong person the whole time and you deserve better. Then go where you are truly happy and maybe someone worth your time will show up one day. Like the song says however, "You can't hurry love". I wish you all the best.


  1. You write so well. My heart breaks for you. But there is a perfect woman out there. I know that God will provide. Keep looking!!

    1. You are too kind to me. I'm not trying to ask for sympathy or anything. I'm just trying to inspire people to figure out why. Why we do the things we do and how to prevent making the same mistakes over and over again. Thank you for the complament and the comments. I'm not worried about it and I refuse to go looking for something that will find me when the time is right. I have screwed that up enough.