My Name is Matthew, and I am a soldier. I have an interesting view that I share from time to time with the folks I encounter as I walk the road. Some of those people have encouraged me to seek out ways to help others or simply share my views or ideas with more people. I will blog on many subjects, from things that piss me off on a daily basis to more important issues such as dealing with chronic depression and the struggles that ensue as a result. I will be taking bits and pieces from emails and rants that I have verbalized as well, so if you see something we have talked about please, smile and nod...Thanks for reading.

Thursday, September 25, 2014


             Sometimes as I walk my road, I see the good and the bad. I stop to appreciate a sunset, or a flower blooming. I go out of my way for just a minute or two to make someone else I don't even know smile. I don't do these things expecting some grand reward. I do them because I want to, and I do them because they make me feel good. I do them for the look of shock or pleasure or gratitude in the eyes of someone who has seen the ugly side of things, maybe much worse than I have had the misfortune of seeing. I go the extra little bit sometimes to smile when I'm given a distasteful task at work to complete. Sometimes I even volunteer for something I'm pretty sure I won't enjoy. Why would you do such a thing Matthew? Because, if I didn't have plans anyways I would simply end up alone in my flat wishing I had company. If I am on a detail of some sort I will be with other people, and maybe I can make them smile by acting silly or shouting something absurd at an awkward moment. Maybe I can trip and fall and cause people to laugh at how silly and clumsy I am. Maybe by interacting with other people I might make a new friend. Maybe I can learn something from the people around me and somehow find a way to be a better man, or a better Sergeant. Whatever the case, I won't be alone in my flat watching the TV feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I don't have a good reason to go out on my own just yet, maybe I can't appreciate my off time just yet because I want so badly to be with someone who cares about me as passionately as I care about them. Why should I suffer alone in my apartment when I could be out conquering demons and dealing with my issues the only way I seem to be able? Someone dear to me once said "THANK God for your suffering, it teaches you". I was frustrated when I heard this, SUFFERING HURTS doesn't it? Well DUH! If you can appreciate what you are being taught by your suffering, if you can stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop being so selfish and see the situation as an opportunity, you might be able to learn something. Shouldn't we be grateful for every chance to learn we are offered? If we have the chance or the money to go to school or the chance to learn from someone at work who is more proficient than we are, or if we have a chance to see beauty in motion, or hear something that changes our hearts, what fools we would be not to appreciate the chance to LEARN? Suffering and pain teaches us if we let it. So yes, thank God for your suffering, or simply appreciate the opportunity to learn in whatever way seems best for you. I used to have crying fits; I haven't had one in a while. Part of me misses the complete and total release of control. Part of me misses feeling the warm wet tears splashing out of my face onto my hands. Part of me misses the way my whole body would shake and tremble from the raw expression of pain as it leaves me like dirt being washed off my body in the shower. What a powerful and beautiful way God gave us to express grief and pain, what a beautiful way we humans suffer. I marvel at it now, and wonder, dogs and cats can whimper and whine but they can't cry. Humans may be the only beings on the planet that are capable of showing pain this way. If you know different please correct me, I'd appreciate knowing. I don't cry lately, but I've been in my share of pain. Working through it, I struggle to find the positive side of things. I suppose the good thing about breaking up with someone you care for is that now you know that you aren't supposed to be with THAT person. Maybe you are just another step closer to who you are supposed to be with. Maybe you needed that kick in the teeth so that you can be just a little more humble or maybe it was so that you see something in a potential mate that now is a warning sign when before it wasn't. Whatever the case, every situation you find yourself in is a chance to learn. Don't be afraid of pain, but don't drown in it. Look for the lesson you should learn. Look for the method in which you found yourself in such pain and learn that pot hole good so you don't slam into it again later down the road. Be who you are, and try your best to understand yourself. Don't be scared of the dangers that await you down the road, look forward for the opportunities to learn your strengths and strengthen your weaknesses. If this is the only bright spot, then let it shine. Let it blot out the darkness and swim in the light. Refuse to be consumed.

Best wishes, thanks for reading.


  1. Your words are so inspiring to me. I never thought of crying that way. But I have been plenty of that lately. EVERYDAY. I'm working through it. I'm no afraid of the pain. But I'll be glad to come out on the other side....

    1. Paula, if you ever watch the movie "V FOR VENDETTA" there is a part at the end of the letter that the woman sends to the other prisoner. The woman writing the letter says, "I LOVE YOU even though I may never kiss you, hold your hand or stand in the rain with you, I love YOU." You are an amazing woman to conquer the things you have. I wish you the best and, I LOVE YOU. Best wishes and... it's always darkest before the light. Hold on tight.

    2. Thank you for these words Wayne. I am holding on tight! I am glad to see you writing again. You have a lot to say......