My Name is Matthew, and I am a soldier. I have an interesting view that I share from time to time with the folks I encounter as I walk the road. Some of those people have encouraged me to seek out ways to help others or simply share my views or ideas with more people. I will blog on many subjects, from things that piss me off on a daily basis to more important issues such as dealing with chronic depression and the struggles that ensue as a result. I will be taking bits and pieces from emails and rants that I have verbalized as well, so if you see something we have talked about please, smile and nod...Thanks for reading.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

That's one way of looking at it...

Hello again. I was recently talking with some people about life and how things can get you down and you just need to face the man or woman in the mirror and see what it is that you are made of. Sometimes you don't know until you are tested. Sometimes you aren't aware of how strong or courageous you can be until the right things happen to test those qualities in you. I'm aware that I have many good qualities in me, but sometimes it's hard to see them in the mirror. I am also painfully aware of my flaws and faults and wrong doings. I'm aware that I have many things to work through. This blog has been a step by step through my battle with depression and ever day life. I have tried to write things out that kept me going as I moved through space and time with my issues and I tried to think of things to offer people who may be going through some tough times as well. I know that I'm not the only person in the world who feels down and sometimes can hardly move because life simply eats at me.
      I was hit in a lower region recently when a doctor told me that he was going to have me tested for bipolar disorder. My brain kinda did a double take. I'm not trying to sound arrogant but I thought, "isn't that what crazy people have?"... I know, I'm bad. I apologize, it isn't my intention to call people crazy, I just thought that I wasn't in any sort of category like that. Funny how I could be absolutely okay hearing that I have major depressive disorder with moderate severity but hearing that I would be tested for bipolar disorder was like hearing that I might have stage three cancer. I know, I know, NO COMPARISON WHAT SO EVER. The dramatization was to further illustrate how ignorant I was about the situation and why my nerves were kind of rattled. ME? Bipolar?? WHAT THE HECK ?! Yes, that's the reaction you would EXPECT from someone with Bipolar Disorder. Matthew, you just may be a little bipolar. And so what if I am? God made me this way for a reason.
       I am a passionate person, anyone who knows me knows that I care very much for little things and I try my best to help people out. Why would it freak me out that they may have yet another label to stick on me? It doesn't define ME or who I am. Such labels don't change what makes ME MATTHEW. I'm ME, so what if I am also a Brother, Son, Cousin, Friend, Sergeant, or any other silly label or name you can stick on me. The key is, can I be happy? If there is a little magic pill out there that can take my swings and my depression and level me off so that I don't feel so down so fast, so that I don't have mood crashes and sudden crying fits, why wouldn't that make me happy? Why shouldn't I be excited to find out if there is such a pill? What if there is a better treatment more targeted to help me get through day to day life without. A way to avoid such inconveniences as crying fits and the sudden bits of depression that take me from being a happy guy to the quiet guy in the corner wishing I could vanish into the chair on which I sit?

         So another way of looking at things is to simply enjoy the fact that there may be help out there for me. There may be someone who is willing to do what they need to in order to make my life better and help me move forward without slipping so suddenly. The trick of the matter is, not to be scared. Yes, I'm scared, I'm nervous from time to time. Hearing that they were going to test me terrified me, again, I was afraid of the label. I didn't see what it could mean. I didn't see the implications. WHY should I be scared? The worst thing that can happen is that they find out that I'm not Bipolar and they have a better view of what is going on with me and may yet be able to refine my treatment and help me. Either way, no matter what happens I'm going to move forward.

       So don't be scared, is that it? Don't be afraid of moving forward? How simple is that? How many people out there are so scared of change that you go out of your way NOT to change? You stay in bad relationships, you continue to drink excessively because it provides temporary relief for whatever you are scared or hiding from. You do whatever it is that you do, knowing that it isn't the right thing for you because you are scared of changing or finding a better way to do things. Trust me, I am there myself, I'm not without sin. I plan on having a beer tonight to calm my nerves. Then again, maybe I will just keep drinking cranberry juice and water. Who knows?

          I wish you all the best of luck, thank you for reading and whatever comments you may leave. I appreciate your time.

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