My Name is Matthew, and I am a soldier. I have an interesting view that I share from time to time with the folks I encounter as I walk the road. Some of those people have encouraged me to seek out ways to help others or simply share my views or ideas with more people. I will blog on many subjects, from things that piss me off on a daily basis to more important issues such as dealing with chronic depression and the struggles that ensue as a result. I will be taking bits and pieces from emails and rants that I have verbalized as well, so if you see something we have talked about please, smile and nod...Thanks for reading.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Well... It's complicated

So, life sometimes throws us curve balls. We do our best to hit them but sometimes we miss. I made a decision, to go to the zoo today. I tried to coax a friend of mine to go with me, but that didn't work so well. It's easy to feel sad and depressed when your friends won't even go hang out with you when you offer to pay. I won't let that ruin my day. I'm taking my camera and I'm going to the zoo damnit.
       I'm pretty sure that I'm going through a break up. I don't want to be in a relationship that causes me constant pain anymore. I don't want to feel like I do. So I'm pretty sure that I'm ending things with my S. O. (Significant Other). The last few days I have been drinking ALLOT and trying to come to terms with how I feel and what to do about it. There just isn't an easy answer at this point. I'm suffering and I know that she is too. There is just no way for me to make her feel better and knowing that only makes me feel worse. It's all very complicated and I won't violate anyone's privacy in a blog. Sufficient to say that I'm fairly certain her and I are both in a TON of pain right now and getting through it is about the only thing I can think of.
         So I'm going to the zoo. I have a black T shirt that says "CHILI HEAD" across it. It makes me laugh because I love spicy food. I figure if I can act goofy and pretend to have a good time I might actually convince myself to relax enough to enjoy the day. Whatever the case, I'm going to the zoo. After that, I may go to eat somewhere nice down in Nashville. By "nice" I mean, maybe Joe's Crab shack or DICK'S Last Resort. Some place I can have a beer and some good food and pretend to enjoy myself even further.
        I have to remind myself to eat. I almost forgot last night. I looked at the food I made, red beans and rice, and my stomach rolled. This morning I made a fruit smoothie, and again, my stomach isn't sure it wants to eat this. I know that I need food. I don't want to eat, I want to drink, but I'm going to the zoo. Bananas and peaches... Good smoothie. So, the time is coming where if I want to get there, I should hop in the car and turn on some good music and start driving.
       One small step at a time, I'm going to the zoo... Wish me luck.


  1. I hope that the zoo was good for you! I am sorry about your relationship. But nothing sucks worse than being with someone you don't want to be with or doesn't want to be with you. You sound like a very strong, strong man. You will get through this too. And there really is a perfect mate for you somewhere!

    1. The zoo was amazing! I had such a great time! I appreciate the support Paula. Thank you very much.