My Name is Matthew, and I am a soldier. I have an interesting view that I share from time to time with the folks I encounter as I walk the road. Some of those people have encouraged me to seek out ways to help others or simply share my views or ideas with more people. I will blog on many subjects, from things that piss me off on a daily basis to more important issues such as dealing with chronic depression and the struggles that ensue as a result. I will be taking bits and pieces from emails and rants that I have verbalized as well, so if you see something we have talked about please, smile and nod...Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

A better version of me

         I was recently told by someone I care for as a friend. "I just don't know what God wants from me". You all have read my writing before and I hope that I don't come off as arrogant as I feel from time to time so believe me when I say that, what I said next was with the best intentions possible and I was quick to explain.I looked him straight in the eyes and I said "I do, I know EXACTLY what God wants from  you." The soldier looked perplexed and sceptical as I'm sure everyone reading this must be looking at their computer going WTF?! Which for those of you who don't speak Army or Acronym means What The Frak. I said "God wants the same thing from you that he wants from me..."

       I waited for the soldier to ask me, which he did. "Please elaborate on that for me, I'm curious now, you can't just say  THAT and then stop..." I looked at him for a moment, trying to be as serious as I felt at that moment, hoping that I would acquire more than mere amusement. "God wants ME, to wake up every day and be thankful for the air in my lungs. God wants me to see the opportunities before me and not fear my failures from yesterday. God wants me to forgive those who hurt me or make me upset. God wants me to forgive myself for being human and not enough like him to feel comfortable in his presence. God wants me to love others, as if they were him. God wants me to treat others with kindness and respect. God wants me to do, what I know in my heart is the right thing to do no matter who it upsets. God wants me to STAND and not be afraid of anyone or anything because he stands with me. God wants me to remember all that and be thankful for all that and to be proud of the man that I am because he made me the man I am, and if it isn't good enough for someone else, that's their issue, not mine..... I think God just wants me to be the best ME that I can be, EVERY SINGLE DAY. God wants me to push myself to become a better person, every day. God wants me to say thank you more often and be generous more often. God wants me to be angry less and happy more. God wants me to quit trying to figure out what to do in the next ten years and be happy as the moments tick by right now, knowing that I am who I am and I am where I am and it could always be worse. In short, God wants us to be better people... God wants us to TRY to be as much like him as we can, because he created us in his image..."

          I waited as my words sunk in... and I stood patiently waiting for a response. The soldier took a few deep breaths... Then he said "What should I do with the rest of my life? After I get out of the Army?". I took a moment again... "Do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do, and if you aren't certain, ask God to show you a way, and don't be afraid to go when he does". The soldier smiled, then went on his way.

         I sincerely hope that I didn't offend the soldier or anyone reading this. I am in no position to judge or grasp God, or his infinite wisdom and understanding. I'm in no position to interpret God. I just know that, we talk all the time about how Christian we are, and then we judge our fellow men and women as though we had some kind of right to determine their guilt or innocence. We talk about how humble we are, just to inform our fellow man that "I'm not as great as you give me credit for, I give it to God, for making me who I am. Instead of saying "Thank you, you are an awesome person too. God made us both in his image, so I say we are both Beautiful and God doesn't make mistakes." I'm not sure why or who or how, but some where along the way, the Human race forgot what it means to love itself. The Human race decided to be antagonistic toward itself. This has to stop somewhere. We have to come to a point as a species where we realize how precious LIFE is, and what a crime and shame it is to value it so little.

        I am not a Godly man, and I don't pretend to be in any sort of Organized Religion. I've been to church, and I know a bit about a few different faiths. My interpretation of God in this situation comes from within me and how I feel. I didn't read it from the bible or some secret passage way. I didn't quote any references because, to my knowledge, I am the first to say these things out loud or write them down this way. If I have offended anyone with this post I sincerely apologise now. Please understand it is my intention to help people, not hurt them.

           Thanks for reading and following. Thanks to Paula, who I already know ahead of time will have some awesome feedback on this post. Believe it or not, I love hearing your comments. Please leave whatever ones you have. Thanks again, for following and reading. Keep your head up, your character is defined by what you do when no one is watching and by what you do when there is pressure on you and you feel crushed. THAT is when character is developed, defined, and recognized...


  1. Thanks! I must be developing a lot of character right now because I have been feeling pain, crushed, and lots of pressure. So thanks for these words. I am going to read this again and try to digest it. I think what you said has a lot of merit. I am not into organized religion either, but I do believe in God! And I know he is there for me. Even when I am as lost as I feel right now. Have a great week Wayne Hoffman!

  2. Paula, we get to determine how much we care about the opinions of those around us. We get to decide what to take in and what to brush off. You can determine how to deal with what comes your way and how to decide what not to deal with. There are times where I realize that I'm spread too thin, and simply decide to take what comes from not pleasing everyone on my list. It's not worth hurting myself over. I wish you the best Paula.

  3. This is so true. But it not the opinions of people that I am dealing with right now. I am just trying to sludge my way through grief. I never thought losing my husband who had been sick for the past three years would hurt as much as it is hurting. I thought I would feel grateful for his passing...that he was out of pain and sickness. Instead I would take him back just so that I could still have him with me. Does that make sense?

    1. Paula, of course it makes sense. Your feelings are yours, not mine or anyone else's. How could anyone judge you or tell you that what you feel is wrong? How could anyone ever pretend to understand how you feel? If they don't know WHY you feel that way, they will never understand HOW you feel. Anyone who has ever been ALONE knows what it feels like to be alone. However, only those who are lucky enough to find someone that TRULY does work with them know what it feels like to be completely alone when that person is gone. I suggest this though, your husband isn't gone. I believe he is watching you and encouraging you and trying to be there for you the only way he can right now. I believe that you are strong enough to move through this. I believe that he wants you to keep moving forward with your life. I also believe that when the time comes you will be together again. I just know in my heart that you are strong enough to wait for God to call you home when it's time. I know in my heart that you will be called to do more good things before that time comes. Whatever happens, God typically doesn't put things in front of us that we CAN NOT handle. We can over come if we chose to. We can do mighty things if we only believe in ourselves. I believe in you, and I think that you are truly strong. You don't get to where you are by being fragile and weak.
      This is just my opinion.... Best Wishes Paula. I'm here for you and I'm sure I'm not the only one who is.