Sunday Morning

I set out today as I did yesterday, I woke up and took my time getting ready to move and do things. I didn't have any sort of plan yesterday things just fell into place and MAN did they ever fall into place. I had an amazing day with the people I love and I played, laughed, and I learned. I even went out on a date last night with a very special woman.

Today it doesn't seem like things will be so simple. There is nothing falling into place like yesterday. I am achy and sore from playing with a six year old boy ( S.O's Son ) and running around trying to keep up with him. Amazing how much energy a little boy could have.

I thought about going out to wash the car or go to a movie or go to the river and walk like my intent was yesterday and, it's already noon and I'm still on my first cup of coffee, just had my first cigarette. The day is passing by and I'm still wondering what to do with myself.

Its days like today that a person who is prone to depression needs to be wary of. I know that if I don't force myself to get out of the house I will stay on this couch and feel sorry  for myself. I will stay here and obsess about the future and how bleak things COULD turn out. I won't see the good that the day can offer and no amount of prompting can fix that once I'm there. I understand the problem, the issue is compensating and doing something about it. The issue is knowing and then putting into action all the things that I have learned sense December when I went to the hospital.

I could say for instance that I've already ran the dish washer and the laundry for the day. So I am making things happen, even if they are small. I could say that my S.O has work to do and therefor I can't go and hang out with her and her Son. I could say that the car is filthy and needs a wash, why not go out in the sun and wash the car. I could say that its a great day for a walk in the woods and go out to a local spot for a hike. One foot in front of the other, day by day. One issue at a time. You have to hand it to yourself for the little victories because they prod and push you on to the bigger ones. You have to acknowledge your forward progress, even if it is just a small step at a time. That will help and give you confidence for the bigger steps. I may call a friend and ask if he wants to go shoot a game of pool.

I love my S.O very much but I was showing off last night when we were playing pool. She doesn't know how to play very well and I always play up or down to the person I'm playing with. I can't fake a good shot, but I can blow one when I'm playing with someone who isn't as good as I am. A real game, with real competition is a rare beauty. It's something we all look forward to, some kind of conquest, challenge. Something where, when we win, we feel like we did something outstanding. Yes, it's the hard fight that you win and are proud of. No reason to be proud of the trivial victories right?

How completely contradictory I've become. One minute I'm telling you to appreciate and accept your small victories and focus on them so you can have the motivation for the big ones. The next minute I'm saying that the hard victory is worth the fight and THAT is what you should be happy about. How can it work both ways?

When you are trying to better yourself and every single step is a hard one to take, those "little" victories are just as important as the big ones. For me, for instance, I could have left the dishes and the laundry. I know, it sounds trivial and I even said it was a minute ago. However, Just because it didn't take all the strength I have to put the laundry into the wash, I didn't have to do it. It was a choice that I made, and a healthy one. Eating oats and fruit for breakfast was another one. Doing the dishes was another. Now I'm writing these thoughts out to share with the world, and this is yet another step.

The point I'm trying to make is, just because something is trivial to YOU doesn't mean that you shouldn't appreciate the effect it has on you. I added up those little victories and now I'm ready to walk out my front door and go on into the sun for the day. Who knows what adventures await? Maybe none, maybe I will meet a new friend. Maybe I will do the things I set out to, come home, make dinner and relax knowing nothing bad happened today. Whatever the case may be, without the little steps, I wouldn't have the desire or confidence to walk out of the front door.

Best of luck to you all, thanks for reading.
- Matthew

Saturday Morning

Every now and then I get a wild hair and decide to do something... unusually crazy. Anyone who knows me knows that if it's unusually crazy for me it's pretty out there. I have been going to therapy for weeks now and taking on one little thing at a time and trying to get over this rough patch in my life and yesterday I felt as though things were starting to go in the right direction in more than one area. Life has it's ups AND downs. There is no entitlement. You are not OWED a good day. You don't DESERVE to be happy. YOU make YOU happy or you don't. No one can GIVE you happy. You either decide to be happy and do healthy things or you decide to be miserable and do unhealthy things. There is plenty of grey out there, don't take me wrong. However, discussing the grey would take away from the point I'm trying to make. How you feel, ultimately, is a choice you make. Now, I suffer from depression and TRUST ME, if someone was to tell me "You are depressed because you WANT to be that way". I might do something .... a little......violent.

However, if we understand what is going on it can lessen the impact of things around us. There are people out there who suffer from hyper mania. These are the people who are ALWAYS excited, happy, bubbly, bouncy, and all those other words used to describe these completely annoying and confusing people. We get annoyed because we don't understand. FINE, I get it. However, such a thing does exist! I couldn't believe it. I thought those people were just suffering from a mild form of mental retardation. No, seriously, I thought that there must be something wrong with someone who is ALWAYS up. Yes, apparently it's a mental condition. How SICK and twisted is our society that when someone is TOO HAPPY we call it a "mental condition??".

So, occasionally I get this hair up my back side. Yes I'm returning to the point now, you can stop wondering WHEN the heck I will get back to it. This morning I woke up alone in bed and decided to MAKE today a good day. It's Saturday and I don't have to get out of bed until I'm darn good and ready to. So I slept in an hour or two. Stretching out like a cat before leaving my bed, making it, then going to the living room. I pulled out a Yoga DVD and my Yoga Mat and did a 30 minute "rejuvenating" exercise. To me it was a bunch of stretching and breathing. Nothing complex. Yoga isn't rocket science. You don't even have to be flexible, there are DVDs out there like mine that show how someone stiff as a board can still start to do the movements. After doing Yoga, I took a nice, long, HOT shower and woke up again for the third time this morning.  

Then I decided to make myself something healthy for breakfast and as I bit into my banana and smelled the aroma of my coffee brewing, I woke up again. I'm REFUSING to rush myself today. It's Saturday, I don't have any deadlines, and I don't have any work that needs to get done. What a lucky SOB I am today. I have this white board on my fridge where I sometimes write a "Note to self". I think that if I write myself motivational and happy things to read eventually the thoughts will sink in, even if I'm not sure I believe the false optimism at the moment I write it. Sometimes I write a note to my S.O. Significant Other so that when she comes over she might see it and laugh at me for leaving her a note on my fridge. Today, however, I wrote something different. This is the quote I wrote on my fridge this morning and the only reason I'm posting today, was to share this with you.

"Enjoy every single moment, each may be your last. Love, live, learn, repeat. Realize how lucky you are, and be thankful." -Matt

Simple, profound words. I'm sure that someone else may  have wrote them somewhere. Maybe I read them on a Facebook post some time ago and some how it stuck in the back of my mind. I'm not claiming to be the first person on earth to put these words together in this order. I would never plagiarize intentionally. The thoughts just struck me as odd. That I had to remind myself these simple truths. I have been in some pretty nasty environments and KNEW every day might be my last. Here at home however, I take for granted that at any time God may say "your done".

 I love the people in my life that mean the most to me. I can't help it. Love isn't a conditional thing for me... It is a profound, complex emotion that has no beginning middle or end. I survive every single day, but do I truly LIVE every day? I don't think any one out there can say they do unless they are suffering a terminal illness. How dare we wait until our lives are almost over to appreciate the value. Every day I would like to say that I learn something new. Even if it's just something about myself or someone close to me that I didn't know.

Finally, I think that if we spent more time saying "Thank you" and less time pining over the things we want that we DON'T HAVE we might be much happier. Each day, each breath is a gift. If you have a roof over your head, food in your belly, shoes on your feet, clothing on your back, A JOB a car.... we take SO MUCH for granted. We never appreciate what we have until it's taken away.

Today, I'm refusing to be this way. Today, I am going to live. After I post this, I'm going to go out and go for a walk in the sun. Maybe in the woods, maybe by the river, but I'm going for a walk in the sun. Because I can, because I'm not working myself crazy today. Because I don't have obligations that take me away from my ability to do so.

Thanks for Reading and good Luck !
Matthew

Appologies

I would like to thank everyone who has been following and commenting on my blog. THANK YOU SINCERELY. I am not trying to ignore or disrespect anyone by not returning the favor of viewing and commenting on your blog sites. I truly believe that everyone has something to say and most people should be heard. Especially if they find it important enough to show the world in an online forum or blog. I applaud and salute you.

I have been going though some tough times at work and haven't had much time to myself lately. I get home and I eat, then go to sleep. I get up the next day and do it again. So, I'm sorry for not thanking you all and responding to your comments and viewing your blogs. I hope you would accept this sincere apology and understand that I have been just incredibly swamped lately.

Sincerely,
Matthew

Love and other four letter words

       People do some crazy things when they are in love. People will go out of their way for one another, they will lie cheat and steal for love. Men will kill for love. Love is the biggest cause of heartache in the world I do believe. That and Women. Women can screw a man up so bad he doesn't know which way he's going. Movies like House of Flying Daggers has taught us that. If your own life experience hasn't.

       Life is another four letter word. So is kill. It's no small wonder why people see four letter words as being such harsh things. Not simply for their explitive value, but because words like life and kill are also four letter words. Like is another four letter word, but like it's not like got ANYTHING to do with love or kill or life right? Word is another four letter word. Human language is as old as we are, and we have developed some pretty amazing things. Food for thought here. In the Czech republic, there are two different words for Love. One means "I love this food" and the other means "I love my Wife". I found this out from a freind of mine. Amazing little tid bit eh? Food is another four letter word we all enjoy. I mean who doesn't enjoy eating a taco? Taco ? WOW.. how about that!? Another four letter word.

         We assume because someone said "I was talking to her and I told her about her FOUR LETTER WORD children". Well now, lets ask ourselves what particular four letter word you were going to use? Nice is a four letter word, maybe they were COOL kids? Why does the term "four letter words" mean something negative? There are plenty of explilives that don't have four  letters. The word for a female dog doesn't have four letters. The noble donkey doesn't have a four letter word for a nickname. Hell does have four letters, but if I say "You won't go to hell for smiling today" is that an obscene comment?

       Oddly enough there are more common words that have four letters than explitives. Think about that for a minute... WHY do we say four letter words are bad? The "F" word is one, sure.. The word for excrament is another. We talked about hell a little bit ago didn't we? So tell me, if only two words off the top of my head that are four letters long are explitives, why does the term "for letter words" mean something so heinous?

Ideas? Thoughts? please??

Good Luck, God Bless, and Thank you for reading.

Guilt, Debt, Regret, and un paid bills

           There are a few things I don't deal with. I have decided to be mindful. I don't do guilt, debt, regret, and un paid bills. Not as easy as it sounds.

          If you offend me or hurt me, I will tell you. If you are any kind of human being, you will appologise and I will forgive you. I may not allow you to harm me again, but I will forgive you. I don't do guilt. If you feel guilty, that's on you. I refuse to make someone feel guilty. I myself feel guilty all the time, but that's my issue. I don't want to make it yours. If I feel guilty, it's probably because I did something wrong and I will do my best to make it right. I may never earn the forgiveness of the person I've offended, but that won't stop me from trying.

        If you borrow money from me, I won't hold that against you forever. I don't do debt, it's not something I cling to. I won't loan something I can't do without. If you are someone who has owed me something in the past and you feel that this statment isn't true, ask yourself, has he said anything to me about it? If not, it's probably because I don't care anymore, like Phil Collins said.

      If something happens and I miss an opportunity, I missed an opportunity. Why should I have a regret? Why should I carry around with me some sort of misconception about things I should have or could have done? I refuse to do that to myself. So I don't do regret.

      Un paid bills, if I owe you money, or if I owe your company money, I will pay you what I owe you. I am not psychic though, I don't know your intent. Don't give me something freely and then demand I pay you back long after we have parted ways. I don't do un paid bills. My credit score could always use a lift, so I try not to borrow from people unless I have to.

     Ohh and while we are at it... I don't do grudges either. Screw that. If you upset me or hurt me, I'm too forgetful to remember. So I won't hold it above your head for ages. Once it's over, it's over. I have enough stress in my life.

Good Luck, God Bless, THANK YOU FOR READING !

Sad ? or Depressed

    
        Yes, another hard topic. Everyone gets down, everyone feels sad and everyone has days where they don't want to get up out of bed. Where the act of getting up and getting ready for work is a chore. We all have days where, we get home from work and want to fall into bed and sleep... for the next week. Some people cope, do whatever they need to in order to get up and move forward again. For some of us it isn't so simple.

       If you ask what the average person thinks the word "Depressed" means you may hear some of the following. When you are down and you don't feel like doing much for a day or two. Or, when you feel like crap and the whole world sucks and nothing is going right and you don't want to go anywhere. For someone who is truly depressed however, it means something a little different. Being depressed for us means that we don't have the energy, or desire, to feed ourselves. We don't have the energy or desire to fold and put away the laundry or bathe. We don't have the energy or desire to do the things that we would normally do to feel better. We withdrawal into ourselves and isolate, cutting the rest of the world off. Sometimes we give away our favorite things to people we care about. Sometimes we have only one thought in our head and that is the desire to shut out the rest of the world and bury ourselves under a pile of covers.

        For people who suffer with depression, it becomes a physical thing. Acid reflux disease, heart attacks or high blood pressure. Heart arrhythmia and other such problems can occur as well. Eating disorders can happen. Sometimes we can have sudden issues with obsessive compulsive disorder. People who are depressed feel that their current predicament is going to last forever because there is no way to fix things. We shut out the world and we pull ourselves into ourselves. We "tune out" everything we used to enjoy because it doesn't make us feel better anymore. We cry, for sometimes no reason that we can understand. We get angry for sometimes no reason that we can understand. We have moments of extreme fear, for sometimes no reason we can understand. Depression is real, and it sucks for those of us who have it.

        Okay, ready for the good news? People suffer from depression all the time, and if you admit you have a problem and you go get help, the odds are highly in your favor that you will make it through. Studies show the vast majority of people who treat their depression recover and get on with their lives. HOW COOL IS THAT?! Yes, if you say "I've got a problem" and you go get help, you can move on with your life and not feel lousy anymore. It is a ton of work, and it's hard to listen to people tell you coping skill after coping skill. It's not fun sometimes to sit in a group therapy session and hear everyone talk about the things that are wrong with their lives. Sometimes, a person in that group will have some of the same issues you are going through and they are at a different point in the healing process. Sometimes, by being in therapy you can help someone who is worse off than you.

         Bottom line? Now you know a little bit more about depression, and you now know that if you suffer, there is hope. It's not a sham, it's not a gimmick, and it’s real. So, PLEASE, if you are feeling down and it's making your life harder to live, GET HELP. You don't have to live hating that food on the plate, the dishes, the laundry, the bathroom that won't clean itself. You can get help and get back on your feet. If someone wants to judge you for getting help, they aren't worth having around you anymore. Besides, you got help, you feel better, who cares what anyone else thinks of you? You certainly won't if you are back on your feet.

GOOD LUCK, GOD BLESS, THANKS FOR READING!

Zen and the art of finger food

          I know I put up some crazy topics. I know that sometimes my stuff is deep. This isn't one of those topics.

          I love to cook, anyone in my family that knows me knows I love to cook. So, here it is, my all time favorite finger foods and how to make them easy like.

Stuffed Jalepenos: You will need the following
12 or so Jalepenos                    1 or 2 chicken breasts               1 brick of creme cheese
Sriacha hot sauce                      shredded cheddar cheese          1 rack of baccon, cut in half

Start by cutting and pulling the seeds out of the jalepeno peppers. You may want to wear a glove if your hands are sensitive, and especially if you wear a ring, the skin under your ring can be very sensitive and the juices from the peppers WILL BURN YOU THERE.

Boil the chicken breasts till thuroughly cooked and then put into a food processor or shred with forks. Then let the meat cool. Mix the shredded chicken with the Sriacha, shredded cheddar, and creme cheese. You may want to add some other hot sauce, that's cool, there are no rules here. Just make sure that the mix is pasty and sticky.

Cut the baccon in half if you haven't already and stuff your pepper halfs with the cheese mix then wrap a piece of baccon around each pepper half. Bake those bad boys in the oven at 350 until the baccon is as crisp as you like it and enjoy ! They go great with a cool brew, I like an amber ale myself.

Chicken WINGS

There are hundreds of wing recipies out there, this is my fav and it's a snap!

Take a gallon sized zipper bag and put about 4 or 5 cups of flour into that thing. Add curry and poultry seasoning until the mix smells like folded pieces of heaven. Thaw out your wings and get two cookie sheets hot in the oven. Melt some butter in the bottom of each sheet. You want a thin layer of butter going. Mix some hot sauce into the butter, use the little red stuff we all know off the top of our head. Be careful, even if you don't set a fire, your fire alarm may go off if you put too much hot sauce into the butter. Fumes, that's all it takes to set those alarms off. Bread your wings and put them into the oven at 350 for half an hour. Then flip them and bake another half hour. Once your done, pull those suckers out and plate them. You may want to put some fresh parmasean cheese or some garlic butter on them at this point. You can even baste them with whatever sauce you want to now. Or just eat them crispy and crunchy like they are. ENJOY!

Rib bits
You know those little short ribs that come in racks 12 to 14 inches long ? They sell in the grocery for 3 or 4 bucks for a package with about 15 or 20 ribs? Yeah those little suckers.
Get a large stock pot and boil some beer. You should use what you drink. Boil those rib bits in the beer for a good 20 min or so. I know, it smells devine! Once the meat starts to peel off the bone take them out and shake off the excess beer. Toss them in a bowl filled with whatever sauce you want to sauce them with. Then throw the ribs onto a cookie sheet and bake them at 350 for about 20 min more. Trust me, TASTY !!

MORE ?! Okay check this one out.
Mix some egg in a bowl and cut some chicke into strips. In another bowl mix flour, poultry seasoning, salt and pepper, garlic powder, and curry.
In a big thick pan render the fat out of some particularly fatty baccon. You should have 1/8 in or so on the bottom of the pan. Egg, Flour, Fry. Simple right ? Rack them afterword or you will have soggy chicken fries.

Finger food + Beer = GREAT HOCKEY GAME EATS.
Root for your favorite team, as I will mine. GOOD LUCK, Thanks for reading,
 REVEAL THE TEAL AND GO SHARKS !!