For the "howl" of it

      I have been writing allot lately, I guess I'm inspired. I was in the car today running errands on my day off, it seems to be the only time I can do things for me. I renewed my car registration, and after that I just drove. I found myself wandering around this town going down one road. The thought that all roads lead to the highway. It's a mystery to me how I believe in such things and they most often are true. This time, out in nowhere, I found myself listening to a particular song. I was encouraged to howl at the moon from the song. So, looking around and finding no one else in the car, I howled. LOUDLY I howled. I raised my mouth to the roof of the car and let out a long howl. NORMALLY I raise my voice and sing in the car, it's not an odd thing. Although I hide myself from my impulses from time to time and it feels odd to do something people would find ODD. This time I found myself howling in my car because it felt good. WHO CARES ?! I had a sudden daydream, or fantasy of someone in the car looking at me as though I was crazy. She looked at me like I was nuts, and I simply said to her "Who knows you are howling in my car but me?". Together we howled, loud and clear baying at the moon, or the sun, whatever. WHY NOT?! Why can't I do something as silly as howl in my own car? If it makes me feel better, or makes me smile, or if for whatever reason it breaks me out of my shell, why shouldn't I howl? This moment of complete absurdity was simply beyond me. I'm not sure why, but I found the experience tickling. I found myself laughing in the mirrors and smiling from ear to ear.

      The thought here, is whatever makes you smile, whatever makes you laugh, so long as no one gets hurt who cares? So long as you aren't doing something that compromises your morals or ethics, and doesn't hurt anyone who cares what you do? I once found myself with a girl friend in the mall, I walked up to a complete stranger and asked if her and I looked good together as a couple. My girl friend immediately froze and changed color, the mysterious passer by simply smiled and said "Yes, you guys make a cute couple". The point here is that it was completely unexpected at the time and she was embarrassed. I feel bad for embarrassing her, but at the same time, if I can be strange and still have fun what/s the problem? I wish you luck, and I wish that you do whatever makes you feel good, no matter how silly or crazy it may seem. The story is written by those who aren't afraid to break the rules, or change the rules. The story is written by those who don't care about the rules.

        I appreciate you reading and I wish you all luck.

LEARN SOMETHING

     
             Sometimes as I walk my road, I see the good and the bad. I stop to appreciate a sunset, or a flower blooming. I go out of my way for just a minute or two to make someone else I don't even know smile. I don't do these things expecting some grand reward. I do them because I want to, and I do them because they make me feel good. I do them for the look of shock or pleasure or gratitude in the eyes of someone who has seen the ugly side of things, maybe much worse than I have had the misfortune of seeing. I go the extra little bit sometimes to smile when I'm given a distasteful task at work to complete. Sometimes I even volunteer for something I'm pretty sure I won't enjoy. Why would you do such a thing Matthew? Because, if I didn't have plans anyways I would simply end up alone in my flat wishing I had company. If I am on a detail of some sort I will be with other people, and maybe I can make them smile by acting silly or shouting something absurd at an awkward moment. Maybe I can trip and fall and cause people to laugh at how silly and clumsy I am. Maybe by interacting with other people I might make a new friend. Maybe I can learn something from the people around me and somehow find a way to be a better man, or a better Sergeant. Whatever the case, I won't be alone in my flat watching the TV feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I don't have a good reason to go out on my own just yet, maybe I can't appreciate my off time just yet because I want so badly to be with someone who cares about me as passionately as I care about them. Why should I suffer alone in my apartment when I could be out conquering demons and dealing with my issues the only way I seem to be able? Someone dear to me once said "THANK God for your suffering, it teaches you". I was frustrated when I heard this, SUFFERING HURTS doesn't it? Well DUH! If you can appreciate what you are being taught by your suffering, if you can stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop being so selfish and see the situation as an opportunity, you might be able to learn something. Shouldn't we be grateful for every chance to learn we are offered? If we have the chance or the money to go to school or the chance to learn from someone at work who is more proficient than we are, or if we have a chance to see beauty in motion, or hear something that changes our hearts, what fools we would be not to appreciate the chance to LEARN? Suffering and pain teaches us if we let it. So yes, thank God for your suffering, or simply appreciate the opportunity to learn in whatever way seems best for you. I used to have crying fits; I haven't had one in a while. Part of me misses the complete and total release of control. Part of me misses feeling the warm wet tears splashing out of my face onto my hands. Part of me misses the way my whole body would shake and tremble from the raw expression of pain as it leaves me like dirt being washed off my body in the shower. What a powerful and beautiful way God gave us to express grief and pain, what a beautiful way we humans suffer. I marvel at it now, and wonder, dogs and cats can whimper and whine but they can't cry. Humans may be the only beings on the planet that are capable of showing pain this way. If you know different please correct me, I'd appreciate knowing. I don't cry lately, but I've been in my share of pain. Working through it, I struggle to find the positive side of things. I suppose the good thing about breaking up with someone you care for is that now you know that you aren't supposed to be with THAT person. Maybe you are just another step closer to who you are supposed to be with. Maybe you needed that kick in the teeth so that you can be just a little more humble or maybe it was so that you see something in a potential mate that now is a warning sign when before it wasn't. Whatever the case, every situation you find yourself in is a chance to learn. Don't be afraid of pain, but don't drown in it. Look for the lesson you should learn. Look for the method in which you found yourself in such pain and learn that pot hole good so you don't slam into it again later down the road. Be who you are, and try your best to understand yourself. Don't be scared of the dangers that await you down the road, look forward for the opportunities to learn your strengths and strengthen your weaknesses. If this is the only bright spot, then let it shine. Let it blot out the darkness and swim in the light. Refuse to be consumed.

Best wishes, thanks for reading.

What fools we can be sometimes

       Here I go again, same old story. I open my heart up to someone and get burned. Without going into too much personal details out of respect for myself I'm going to explore the nature of history and abuse and growth and how it affects our relationships later in life just a bit here. Hold on, this one is going to get bumpy.

       Have you ever met someone and it just seemed to CLICK? I mean you both seemed to just hit it off straight away. Some how the stars put you two in a position to meet and look how much you have in common and suddenly you feel your falling in love and the other person seems to be right there with you, on the same level and everything. You move to the next step and in your head everything is going well and good and nothing is wrong then out of nowhere after a great weekend together relaxing, POW the other person tosses you into the FRIEND ZONE and slams the door in your face.

        You express how hurt you are by the situation and how much you wish that things were different and how upset you are because you feel like you have been led on. Nothing changes, she is upset because you don't want to be her friend, you are upset because that's all she wants. She tells you that no man has ever been so good to her, and you explain how much you care for her. Stuck in the dreaded FRIEND ZONE you remain. She then gets mad at you for every little thing you did wrong during the entire relationship that she never felt the urge to express to you. After telling her from the get go that you aren't psychic, and you can't read minds. You explain clearly that you have a past and baggage. You express yourself clearly from the start that you know how you are and you are prone to being a certain way. After the relationship collapses she wants to bring up all the little things that you thought weren't a big deal because she never said anything was wrong.

          You don't want to go dark and depressed, you don't want to get upset and childish so you just agree to disagree. She continues to persue you and ask over and over to be friends. Finally you break the silence and ask directly "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" You get the expected, "I thought we could be friends but obviously you are just too immature for that". Please, throw more stones on me after you thrash me when I was just getting comfortable enough to let you into my armor and not protect myself anymore. She swings hard and fast and the next thing you know you are fighting the urge to use four letter words and throw low blows. Maybe you let one or two of each slip, and then it's over. The break up is complete. You once again are single and you feel hollow because once again you have put your trust in someone who hurt you. For whatever reason you felt comfortable enough with this person to let them into your guard and allow them to see you for who you are, and without a seccond thought they cut you to the bone. Then they get mad at you for not understanding why they dumped you. Why does all this happen?? Allow me to explain a bit.

         I asked a few people the conditions in which I grew up. I was curious if I was always as crazy as I am now. I'm sure that four combat tours didn't HELP me any, either did two divorces with women I never should have married in the first place. The question was about my childhood. The answer I got from the person I asked was "Matthew, you didn't exactly grow up in a "STABLE" environment, there could have been dozens of reasons for the way you were when you were younger". Great, so I'm fouled up from the start. Nice jump on life I was given. Not to beat the dead horse here, but I got up off the ground and found my feet and did the best I could. You don't walk across broken glass and not have a few scars. You also don't walk across broken glass and not develop some thick skin. So why am I so sensitive? Why am I the way I am? It's not Chess, it's checkers, simple. I seek women who will hurt me and cuddle me because that's what I grew up with. That's what I was taught was "normal". Fighting the urge to find a woman that's like that isn't exactly easy. I gravitate toward women who fit my version of "Normal". Obviously if that impression was formed during my childhood in such a chaotic environment, the picture wasn't healthy or clear to say the least. Knowing all this is part of the equation, finding someone who is gentle, kind, and willing to be that way with someone as screwed up as I am is entirely seperate. Making any sort of "normal" human connection requires skills that I never really learned. If people didn't like me when I was a child, they hurt me. Those who did like me didn't hurt me. I had to impress people or be useful in some way so that people would have a reason to let the screwed up little kid hang out with them. So as an adult I feel a constant urge to impress people and do above and beyond in order to win attention and make "friends" who later get frustrated when I realize I've been used and no longer wish to be treated that way. This isn't a sob story, I'm writing this out because I know for certain I'm not the only one out there running on a tread mill of lousy experiences with interpersonal relationships. Not just trying to find a partner.

         The moral of the story is clear. Once you know, set a limit, a line, a standard. Once  you understand what makes a situation unhealthy or hurtful or damaging to you, don't accept it. Break off whatever lousy relationship you are in, eat the bullet and let the other person go. Find someone who will treat you proper and don't stop looking until you do. Don't accept someone's pity or urge to help you because you poor thing, you have been so mistreated. Find someone who can look into your eyes and see you for who you are and appreciate it all. The good, and the bad inside you. Then show that person that you are willing to love, if it's reciprocated. Build a friendship based on trust and understanding and allow that person to see that you are past the pain of the past but sometimes you slip into your depressive state. Don't be afraid to show that person who you TRULY are. If they are there for you they will accept you. If not they don't deserve you. Don't accept someone who wants you around one minute then needs to think about it the next. BE who you are and be proud of who you are and don't ever let someone tell you that you aren't worthy of them. If they say that it's because they are scared that they aren't worthy of you. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity and not a one of us deserves to be living in fear of upsetting the other person or causing ripples in the water. Disagreements are part of life, accept it. There is no perfect existance, accept that. Not every person gets to live in the house on the hill with the white picket fence and the dog and 2.5 kids. Not every woman out there will be soccer Mom one day and not every Man will be Father of the year. That doesn't mean that we don't all deserve to find a partner that can appreciate us and love us for who and what we are. I'm done settling for seccond, or third, I want to be number one for someone.

           Look at your past, at the men and or women who shaped you and then look at your choice of partners over the years. Decide if you have been searching for something healthy or if you have been chasing the wrong person the whole time and you deserve better. Then go where you are truly happy and maybe someone worth your time will show up one day. Like the song says however, "You can't hurry love". I wish you all the best.

Man Vs. Machine

     
       As you know, from time to time I feel like getting dirty. Sometimes I sling it, sometimes I shovel it and sometimes I end up eating it. I may do a bit of all three here on this one. As the modern age has evolved we have found new ways to damage our children and ruin our culture and society as a whole. The GO GREEN movement and the Vegetarian and fad diet culture as well as the WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT mentality is starting to make American society rather scary. Cell phones that allow people to play games, instant message, call co workers, and download directions all at the same time have added to the pressures of American workaholics. Let's face it folks, we all work way too hard and we could use a vacation.

        I work as a soldier, and I'm sure that my experiences at work are rather different than anyone NOT a soldier. In some ways I'm sure my "normal" day of work is a cake walk for the average middle class working single adult with no children. Then again, those days that make me want to rip my hair out may seem like a friggin freight train wreck to some of you. The point is, this isn't an article where I cry on your shoulders and tell you how hard it is to be a soldier. I admit that my life can be pretty easy going sometimes. That being said, let us recall the days of old when kids in school weren't allowed to have any sort of personal electronic devices. Not because they weren't available to people, but because Mom and Dad didn't have the money for that crap to use themselves. Now everyone has a cell phone, even toddlers have little cell phone toys and there are getting to be cell phones that kids in elementary school can use that have a button to call home or whichever parent and one for 911. Advances like this make us think how safe our kids are and how comfy we can rest knowing that our children can call for help at the touch of a button.

         If you haven't seen the movie THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY... Now would be a great time to shut the computer down and find a copy of it.

         In the days before everyone had a cell phone, most people had a home phone that plugged into the wall and if you were lucky as a teenager you might have been able to put a hand set in your room which you could use when your parents weren't on the line. This made coordinating things a bit more difficult than they are now, or did it? Pryor plans and a well thought out idea of how you wanted things done made it possible to make one phone call one time and get the results you were after. Given an example, I was going to plan a barbeque at the park with some friends. Maybe some friends at work were going to go, and at work we sorted out that we would go but weren't sure who had what or who could bring what. Once I got home and inventoried my fridge I could call up my first friend assess what he was going to bring and give him some suggestions on what to bring. Then I could call my other friend and do the same. No muss, no fuss, simple. Now a days we would be driving to the park remembering that we forgot ketchup and while driving try to shoot a text off to whoever to stop on the way and get it. This all seems well and good but when you are texting and driving.... whoops. Consider the strain on certain lower level employees with demanding bosses. NOW a boss can be as demanding and unrealistic as possible and the potential employee needs to be three times as flexible. Stress beyond stress. We have advanced society so fast and so dangerously that we are causing more stress than we are alleviating with our brilliant new toys. How many passwords to you need to remember on a daily basis? I personally have a book with all my passwords in it. WHY?! Why must I have a book with fifty different passwords in it?! I thought all this security would make life easier, places still get hacked, credit cards are still stolen along with identities.

         What is the point? Every time we come up with a problem, someone wanting to make a quick buck and have some fun with science and technology is busy trying to find a quick easy solution. It must be tough creating gadgets to make the world a better place. How civilized we must all be with such amazing advances in technology. (Refer to the movie HERE). I'm not saying we should all live like cave men, I'm just saying maybe old Issac had a point. Azimov wrote some amazing books and I tip my hat to the man who saw the simple truth that one day our curiosity would cause us to work twice as hard. Now if we are smart, the idea would be to take these new advances in technology and try to find a way to make them LESS complex. Find a way to make things better without being so ridiculously impossible for the average person to understand that we break it. Cell phones are great, but lets be real here folks, how much pressure do they add to the average adult? Now my boss can call me 24 hours a day and I have to answer my phone. If I don't respond within ten minutes to a text I get threatened with being in trouble because I'm out of contact. I WAS IN THE SHOWER FOR GOD'S SAKE... No no, not more complex, less complex. I don't need five thousand apps for every little thing on earth. I don't need more technology, I need simple technology. I need people to be more responsible with what they invent and how it can be used. The world wide web was a great idea until about 4 million people turned into hackers in less than a year. The Anarchists cook book was distributed in an instant to anyone who wanted a copy and teenagers learned quickly how to make dangerous incendiary devices in the garage. No clue nor care for how dangerous the things they were playing with were. Kind of like the folks advancing technology today. I'm not talking about dooms day folks, I'm talking about being just as responsible as we are smart. I'm talking about considering second and third order effects before allowing the most dangerous things out into public hands. This is just, my opinion after all. I mean no offence to anyone, and if I have offended you I sincerely apologize.

What I deserve, and why

       
          I haven't written in a long while, I have been busy with life, it happens. I was prompted to write today as quite a bit has changed in my life lately and I am finding the impulse to express certain new views and opinions.

          Every time we enter into a relationship with someone, I feel most people go into the situation with some sort of expectations. Based on our past we expect the other person to react or behave in a certain way, but there is still a big mystery. We want to discover this new person and we want pleasant little surprises that make us smile and feel a certain kind of way. I feel that having expectations is a great way to be upset and disappointed. The minute you expect something you set yourself up to either be happy or sad. What if you simply let the other person show you who they are with their actions and accept them as they are. What if you allowed the other person to express over time how they behave and what they value and how they intend to treat you.

          I have learned that I don't like to be treated a certain kind of way. Being treated the way I feel I should be, pleases me. Why should I tell someone I'm interested in having a relationship with "This is what you need to do to please me"? Why give away the answer to the test before handing the student the work sheet? Cheating is implied at this point. Of course the other person is going to give you exactly what you want. They want you to do the same. If you don't, they feel used and taken advantage of. Excuse me, I'm sorry but if I tell you what I want and what I need, I need to know the same from you right? Wait wait wait, HOLD THE PHONE. Now we go and try to force someone into our little dream of Mr. or MRS. Right. Instead of simply getting to know someone and finding out if they are even remotely compatible without a cheat sheet.

         I deserve a woman, true and whole, who is feminine and beautiful. I deserve a woman who will respect me, treat me with kindness, and never degrade or insult me. I deserve a woman who is soft and tender and caring, one who understands what it means to nurture and love. I deserve a woman who isn't afraid to tell me what I have done wrong and accept that I will do silly things from time to time. I am a man after all. I deserve a woman who won't write down a list of all the things that I do incorrectly in the context of the relationship but does however take stock of all the little things I do in my efforts to show her how much she means to me and how much I appreciate her. When I screw up, I deserve a woman who will refer to her list and then decide weather or not I'm worth the effort to put up with. I deserve a tender caring woman who can appreciate a man who adores her. I deserve an affectionate woman who enjoys being touched by an affectionate man. I deserve a woman who can appreciate holding hands walking down the street watching the sun go down. Or sitting in a lawn chair on the beach watching the clouds drift by or splashing in the ocean. I deserve a woman who can smile, and make me laugh when I'm feeling down. I deserve a woman who can laugh with me when I'm happy. I deserve a woman who knows her heart and her mind enough to be up front with me and spell it out rather than relying on my non existent psychic powers. I deserve a woman who will taste my cooking and dance in the kitchen with me. I deserve a woman who will push me out of the kitchen and fix a meal or two from time to time. I deserve a woman who can have patience with me when I'm being stubborn and be stubborn with me when I'm patient. I deserve a woman who can laugh with me, and cry with me.

          I am every man in America, and every Woman has their version of this little paragraph. Most of us want the same things from a partner. So why is it rocket science to find a partner? We are all different people with different quirks. Most people don't know themselves enough to know what triggers them or why they ride their emotions like a coaster from time to time. Most people don't know why or how they go from happy to crying. This makes finding someone who knows when to be happy or sad in response to our emotional flow difficult. If you know yourself, and you are honest with the person you want to care for, you are still only halfway there. The world is harsh and cruel, and those of us who do our best to be honest and live by a moral code are few and far between. We end up jaded by those who don't and then hurt others who would have been fine if they hadn't been pushed over the edge by a jaded person. The key to stopping all this nonsense is to be true to who we are and not let someone negative change the way we interact with the rest of the human race.

          I am a nice person, not because everyone I run into is nice to me. I am nice because I respect myself enough not to let others dictate how I behave. Someone is rude to you and makes you spill your coffee, which frustrates you. Then you hurry on your way and trip someone on accident and instead of apologizing you shrug your shoulders and scurry on your way. That person rushes on with their day and bumps into me as I drop a file folder containing 300 sorted copies of paperwork that my boss needs NOW. I take a deep breath, punch my bosses number and tell him that I will be a moment or two behind because the papers slipped. I don't freak out, I control myself. I hold true to who I am because the person who bumped into me cannot control me or my emotions. Neither him nor my boss can ruin my day. I won't give that power away to just anyone.

           I deserve someone who won't hurt me on purpose. NO KIDDING? You would be shocked what people do out of anger from a misunderstanding. Pay attention to WHO YOU ARE and hold true to that. Then what you deserve is irrelevant, you get what you need.

SUPER MAN

                Every person has it in them to be something GREAT. Every single person, I am convinced that if we all took the time to understand ourselves we could discover our strengths and our weaknesses, all  that is left to do is capitalize on one and then the other will work itself out over time. Work WITH your strengths and the weaknesses will slowly be dealt with.

                A man, is not just a male human being at or above the age of 18. In my opinion a man has certain qualities or he simply is a grown child. The qualifiers for me are relatively simple. As a young man we learn the difference between right and wrong. To know that difference and attempt at all times to do the right thing regardless of who is watching is a degree of integrity. A man has this integrity and doesn't care who is watching or isn't watching. A man does his best to do the right thing at all times. No one is perfect and I’m not suggesting that cutting corners isn't warranted in the right situations. I’m not even suggesting that there is no grey area out there. The entire human race lives and breathes in this grey and it must be appreciated, observed, and understood. If you have the mindset that there is simply black and white in this world, right and wrong, then I personally believe that you are misguided. Yes, there are some things that are pretty cut and dry. If you lie, simply to gain something for yourself with no care of who you hurt, I would say that you are doing something wrong. However, if you omit the truth in order to spare someone great pain, instead of an outright lie, what you have done is obscure the truth in order to spare someone suffering that would serve no purpose. There is always an extenuating circumstance. No one should be able to judge another person. You are your own judge. Understand though, that you alone are responsible for your own actions. Nothing can spare you the guilt, or anger, or frustration you will feel if you do something wrong simply for personal gain. A man, in short, is honest. Once we learn what it means to have honesty and integrity, as children growing older we seek to conquer. Well, one thing we can conquer is a home. A place to stay, and dwell. A man is someone who provides for his own. A man will provide a home, and safety for his family. A man is interested in keeping those close to him safe and secure. You can’t do that if you don’t provide for your family. If the only way you can do that is writing a novel, then you can do that. If you need to work two jobs to put the food on the table, you do that. A man, is not afraid of sacrificing for those he loves. As a young man I took an oath in a program designed for young men. “On my honor I will do my best to do my duty to God and my Country”. I took that seriously then and I take it seriously now. As a young man I went to church, and I devoted hours to prayer and understanding of God. I’m not here to preach that, what you believe in is on you. I would pass on the same wisdom my father passed on to me though. Whatever you chose to believe, whatever you chose to say you believe, you might want to completely understand it before you say you belong there. People make assessments and assumptions about those they encounter. Human nature dictates that when we approach someone we gather information about them. A simple, pure example of this is the interactions between children playing on a playground.

“Hi!” Ryan says to the strange boy in front of him at the playground.

“Hi!” The young man responds.

“I’m 5, how old are you?” Ryan makes an attempt to assess the other boy by age.

“I’m 7, my name is Ethan, what’s yours?” Ethan then offers some personal information in an attempt at forming a basic understanding beyond age.

“I’m Ryan, I can run really fast.” Ryan gives his name to Ethan and expresses a desire to show his physical strengths.

                The encounter progresses and eventually the boys play hard running around and exploring the playground together playing Army men and having fun. A person observing this from the outside would take for granted that the very basic simple things we do as people is so simple and clear. These young men were doing what we as adults do every single day. The exchange. This is me, this is how I see myself, who are you? How do you see yourself? Can we be friends? This is relevant because, as a man, we must advance past this level of thinking and seeing the world.  We have to learn that once the simple definition process is over, we must learn how to interact with other people on a level of understanding. A man, for example, will not only make the assessment of friend or foe, he will go so far as to think do I need to help this person or stay out of their way? He may ask questions to decide if this person is going to help or hurt them and their family. Everyone has the ability to affect us, when you walk down the street or through your office even. Take a moment and try this if you can. The next time you go to work, fake a smile. Smile as big as you can at everyone you encounter. Even if you are having a rough morning. You spilled your coffee, you got to work 5 minutes late or worse. You did everything wrong in the morning and are having a horrible Monday. Yes, even then, fake a smile. Approach everyone you meet with a big smile and a kind word. See how many people return the smile. You are infectious. Suddenly the people you work with are happy, if only for a moment. The next day, don’t say anything at all, just get in your head how angry you are about the state of the Economy or the weather or the fact that your date didn't appreciate the flowers you got her last night. Get this look of contempt on your face and walk through your work like that. See how many people ask you what’s wrong. See how many people scowl back at you. See how many people don’t act like they take notice. We are lost in our own little worlds and we don’t allow others to affect us, or we lie to ourselves and say that they don’t. The fact is, they do, and we allow it to happen without knowing it. I work in an auto repair shop, our hours fluctuate and go crazy from time to time. I am a middle manager and I don’t always get my hands on vehicles. More often than not I am trying to help my team out and ensure that my people are being taken care of and getting work done that I organize for them to do. Our hours were CRAZY for 3 weeks straight, everyone was down and tired of working such insane hours. I came in to work, smiling and “happy”. I put on some upbeat music and started acting goofy.  I bounced around the shop giving my people High Fives and talking about how awesome it was that it was finally FRIDAY. My men went from being completely miserable to happy and excited. They went from moping around to being happy and getting work done. They asked me if I had been taking illicit drugs or had a particularly eventful night with a woman. They asked me if I had too much coffee. Suddenly I was the subject of conversation. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I was just as miserable about the hours that they were. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I was simply manipulating them to get more work done and pass the time in a productive manner rather than sulking about the horrible hours. The work got done, and we went home. A man, can understand this and change his mood and attitude to have a positive effect on those around him. A man is patient and kind, and understanding. A man has the basic understanding of the world around him enough to know when to tone things down and deescalate the situation. A man also understands that failure is not always something to be avoided or feared. Sometimes all you can do is fail. Sometimes failing can lead to the greatest successes. When we try something that doesn't work, we know that, and we calculate that it didn't work. One less thing to try next time. We have the ability to learn from our mistakes. Men should be aware of this and not be so childish when things don’t go according to plan. In Combat we have this effect called the “fog of war”. This is something used to describe the chaos that happened when things get hot and heavy. In too many situations men get lost in the confusion of the moment and get bogged down trying to multitask. It’s okay to understand this effect and properly compensate for it. With a moment or two of preparation, the effect can be minimized and sometimes eliminated. If you know for example, that you are about to perform a complex series of moves. You can set yourself a list of point to point planning. From here I’m going there, from there to there and so on. That way when things get crazy you know where you are, where you were, and where you are going. If you put it on paper or in your head, you can adjust on the fly without losing the whole thing. If you only know your end state, you may get lost in the middle and not do what you set out to do in the first place. A man, in short, can keep his head. All this is just my opinion and not a clinical fact or some form of a doctor’s reference book. A man understands his strengths and weaknesses. He knows that he’s not good at multitasking, for example. Most men can do simple things if we are used to the operation, but for the most part we are lousy at doing many complex tasks at once. What a man can do with this is understand that and compensate or account for it ahead of time. A simple pad of paper and a pen and 4 or 5 seconds of notes can solve the whole issue. Another silly “weakness” men have is our pride. It gets in the way. Some men reading this book read that last bit about the pad of paper and pen and go “no way, I’ll look like a fool taking notes all the time”. You may, your coworkers may think less of you for writing everything down. I’m not going to speculate what your coworkers will think of you. What I can promise you, is that if it makes you a better worker, your boss will notice and you may end up with a raise. You may end up preforming better than those who are poking fun at you for always having your note book. The way I see it, if it makes me a better worker, screw them. If I can go through my entire day, without asking my boss one question, because I took notes and got that out of the way in the morning, and I get everything done, I’m a success. If I can manage my team and keep my guys busy all day long and get more accomplished than the guy or girl next to me, then I did a good job today. I don’t care much for how. I don’t care if I had to pack my lunch and eat on the fly because I worked through lunch checking and re checking my paperwork. I want my boss’s job, and I want to work in charge of those people whom I work with now. I don’t want to sit still.

  

              What makes a man super? What makes a regular man something extra ordinary, is the ability to go beyond the basics. To see an opportunity and capitalize on it is one thing. To be hungry for the opportunity and search for it and find it hiding in the corners of life, is what sets us aside. To actively hunt down and find the secret little parts of the world that wait those brave and strong enough to climb the tree for the ripest juicy fruit on the branch. You have to be willing to fall out of the tree. You have to be willing to get bit by the thorns. You have to be willing to risk the fall. You also have to be confident enough to try. 

That's one way of looking at it...

Hello again. I was recently talking with some people about life and how things can get you down and you just need to face the man or woman in the mirror and see what it is that you are made of. Sometimes you don't know until you are tested. Sometimes you aren't aware of how strong or courageous you can be until the right things happen to test those qualities in you. I'm aware that I have many good qualities in me, but sometimes it's hard to see them in the mirror. I am also painfully aware of my flaws and faults and wrong doings. I'm aware that I have many things to work through. This blog has been a step by step through my battle with depression and ever day life. I have tried to write things out that kept me going as I moved through space and time with my issues and I tried to think of things to offer people who may be going through some tough times as well. I know that I'm not the only person in the world who feels down and sometimes can hardly move because life simply eats at me.
   
      I was hit in a lower region recently when a doctor told me that he was going to have me tested for bipolar disorder. My brain kinda did a double take. I'm not trying to sound arrogant but I thought, "isn't that what crazy people have?"... I know, I'm bad. I apologize, it isn't my intention to call people crazy, I just thought that I wasn't in any sort of category like that. Funny how I could be absolutely okay hearing that I have major depressive disorder with moderate severity but hearing that I would be tested for bipolar disorder was like hearing that I might have stage three cancer. I know, I know, NO COMPARISON WHAT SO EVER. The dramatization was to further illustrate how ignorant I was about the situation and why my nerves were kind of rattled. ME? Bipolar?? WHAT THE HECK ?! Yes, that's the reaction you would EXPECT from someone with Bipolar Disorder. Matthew, you just may be a little bipolar. And so what if I am? God made me this way for a reason.
 
       I am a passionate person, anyone who knows me knows that I care very much for little things and I try my best to help people out. Why would it freak me out that they may have yet another label to stick on me? It doesn't define ME or who I am. Such labels don't change what makes ME MATTHEW. I'm ME, so what if I am also a Brother, Son, Cousin, Friend, Sergeant, or any other silly label or name you can stick on me. The key is, can I be happy? If there is a little magic pill out there that can take my swings and my depression and level me off so that I don't feel so down so fast, so that I don't have mood crashes and sudden crying fits, why wouldn't that make me happy? Why shouldn't I be excited to find out if there is such a pill? What if there is a better treatment more targeted to help me get through day to day life without. A way to avoid such inconveniences as crying fits and the sudden bits of depression that take me from being a happy guy to the quiet guy in the corner wishing I could vanish into the chair on which I sit?

         So another way of looking at things is to simply enjoy the fact that there may be help out there for me. There may be someone who is willing to do what they need to in order to make my life better and help me move forward without slipping so suddenly. The trick of the matter is, not to be scared. Yes, I'm scared, I'm nervous from time to time. Hearing that they were going to test me terrified me, again, I was afraid of the label. I didn't see what it could mean. I didn't see the implications. WHY should I be scared? The worst thing that can happen is that they find out that I'm not Bipolar and they have a better view of what is going on with me and may yet be able to refine my treatment and help me. Either way, no matter what happens I'm going to move forward.

       So don't be scared, is that it? Don't be afraid of moving forward? How simple is that? How many people out there are so scared of change that you go out of your way NOT to change? You stay in bad relationships, you continue to drink excessively because it provides temporary relief for whatever you are scared or hiding from. You do whatever it is that you do, knowing that it isn't the right thing for you because you are scared of changing or finding a better way to do things. Trust me, I am there myself, I'm not without sin. I plan on having a beer tonight to calm my nerves. Then again, maybe I will just keep drinking cranberry juice and water. Who knows?

          I wish you all the best of luck, thank you for reading and whatever comments you may leave. I appreciate your time.
Sincerely,
Matthew